1
00:00:42,835 --> 00:00:47,215
Coolidge College was established in 18...

2
00:00:47,298 --> 00:00:49,967
Who knows this?
It was in your freshman facts.

3
00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:53,387
<i>The first day of spring semester.</i>

4
00:00:53,471 --> 00:00:55,556
<i>A time to say goodbye
to the parents once again,</i>

5
00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:58,684
<i>and say hello to a few new student bodies.</i>

6
00:01:01,604 --> 00:01:04,106
<i>As for me, well,</i>

7
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:08,694
<i>I like to start off each semester
with a certain time-honored tradition.</i>

8
00:01:08,778 --> 00:01:13,282
<i>A ritual, if you will, that allows me
to get my head in the right place.</i>

9
00:01:18,955 --> 00:01:22,833
<i>Okay, so Suk Mee's a little old,</i>

10
00:01:23,542 --> 00:01:26,379
<i>but she is just so damn good.</i>

11
00:01:28,464 --> 00:01:30,007
<i>She's great with these quick jobs,</i>

12
00:01:30,091 --> 00:01:33,719
<i>plus there is no substitute
for decades of experience.</i>

13
00:01:34,553 --> 00:01:37,348
That looks amazing.

14
00:01:38,641 --> 00:01:41,519
That is perfect. You're a pro. A pro.

15
00:01:42,645 --> 00:01:44,355
Hey, look at me.

16
00:01:44,855 --> 00:01:46,190
Pro.

17
00:01:47,900 --> 00:01:51,988
Well, gosh, that was great.
Thanks for the quick job there, Suk Mee.

18
00:01:53,990 --> 00:01:56,158
I need these in 20 minutes.

19
00:01:56,909 --> 00:01:58,244
Super.

20
00:02:15,553 --> 00:02:18,431
We've got a jumper!

21
00:02:32,778 --> 00:02:35,448
<i>Hold on, son. You don't want to do this.</i>

22
00:02:35,531 --> 00:02:39,076
I didn't want to come here, either.
They made me come!

23
00:02:39,285 --> 00:02:40,870
They made me!

24
00:02:43,205 --> 00:02:45,916
First year can be kind of scary,
can't it, Timmy?

25
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,336
My... My name's not...

26
00:02:49,003 --> 00:02:52,965
But you know what I've learned in my
seven years here at Coolidge, Timmy?

27
00:02:53,424 --> 00:02:56,761
I've learned that you can't treat every
situation as a life-and-death matter,

28
00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:58,971
because you'll die a lot of times.

29
00:02:59,472 --> 00:03:01,098
Write that down.

30
00:03:01,891 --> 00:03:04,769
- I don't have a pen, sir.
- Well, remember that then.

31
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,938
And you know something, Timmy?

32
00:03:09,732 --> 00:03:12,318
I think you've got the balls to make it here.

33
00:03:12,651 --> 00:03:14,612
Call me nuts,

34
00:03:15,571 --> 00:03:17,490
but I believe in you.

35
00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:23,662
You see, Timmy, you can't let this
lead you all the time.

36
00:03:23,746 --> 00:03:26,248
Sometimes you've gotta heed this.

37
00:03:26,457 --> 00:03:30,294
And I think that you've got a lot of heart
in there, mister, don't you?

38
00:03:31,045 --> 00:03:33,839
Don't you? I mean, look around you.

39
00:03:38,302 --> 00:03:39,428
Timmy?

40
00:03:40,429 --> 00:03:41,430
Timmy?

41
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:44,642
<i>Great work, Van. Thanks.</i>

42
00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:46,811
Remember my credo, Timmy!

43
00:03:47,228 --> 00:03:50,314
Don't be a fool. Stay in school!

44
00:03:53,692 --> 00:03:56,070
God, I love this place.

45
00:03:57,780 --> 00:03:59,698
- Hey, Van.
- Hey, Van the man.

46
00:03:59,782 --> 00:04:02,034
I called you last night, Van.

47
00:04:05,996 --> 00:04:09,208
<i>My name is Van Wilder,
and this is my home.</i>

48
00:04:09,291 --> 00:04:10,668
<i>Coolidge College.</i>

49
00:04:20,511 --> 00:04:24,223
<i>The last, well, seven years
have gone by way too fast.</i>

50
00:04:24,306 --> 00:04:27,935
<i>This school's given me so much.
I just can't seem to give enough back.</i>

51
00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:29,145
That's Van.

52
00:04:30,354 --> 00:04:31,689
That's him.

53
00:04:32,106 --> 00:04:33,732
Oh, my God.

54
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:37,194
- Wow.
- Yeah. Wow.

55
00:04:44,869 --> 00:04:47,538
I was the first ever male cheerleader
at Huntington High.

56
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,707
The first ever!

57
00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:53,043
Give me a "V"! Give me an "A"!

58
00:04:53,127 --> 00:04:56,547
Give me an "N"! What does it spell?

59
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:57,673
I see a rabbi,

60
00:04:57,756 --> 00:05:01,218
and he's performing a circumcision,
on himself though.

61
00:05:03,304 --> 00:05:04,638
You'll become disciplined.

62
00:05:04,722 --> 00:05:06,724
Your mind will become a weapon.

63
00:05:19,278 --> 00:05:22,323
I'm sorry.
You really just don't fit the profile.

64
00:05:25,034 --> 00:05:26,785
We're just gonna do
a little bit of word association.

65
00:05:26,869 --> 00:05:28,370
Cookies!

66
00:05:31,290 --> 00:05:34,543
- Hi. My name is Van.
- Hi, my name is Terry.

67
00:05:38,088 --> 00:05:40,591
Let's get it started then, shall we?

68
00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:56,607
I'm finished.

69
00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:01,153
Medic.

70
00:06:01,237 --> 00:06:04,865
- Having us both at the same time...
- Will definitely lighten your load.

71
00:06:04,949 --> 00:06:06,575
We will bend over backwards for you.

72
00:06:06,659 --> 00:06:08,285
There's nothing too big we can't handle.

73
00:06:08,369 --> 00:06:09,995
And we mean nothing.

74
00:06:10,079 --> 00:06:13,207
- We'll stay on top of you...
- And ride you all semester.

75
00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:16,126
Basically, we're saying
we won't blow the job, Van.

76
00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:24,301
By the way, can you tell me
if there'll be any international travel, huh?

77
00:06:26,136 --> 00:06:28,847
Seriously, now, I swear to God,
I'm really uncomfortable now.

78
00:06:28,931 --> 00:06:30,641
It's time you should go.

79
00:06:36,647 --> 00:06:39,233
Not one acceptable candidate.

80
00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:41,610
What is wrong with the youth of today?

81
00:06:43,571 --> 00:06:45,489
The Internet, dude.

82
00:06:45,573 --> 00:06:48,200
Fries their brain cells, man.

83
00:06:49,159 --> 00:06:51,287
It's cool, Colossus. We'll find somebody.

84
00:06:51,370 --> 00:06:53,664
C-los, get your ass off my shirt.

85
00:06:59,503 --> 00:07:01,839
You really should have him neutered, man.

86
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:03,299
That's up to him.

87
00:07:03,674 --> 00:07:06,302
They are getting bigger, aren't they?

88
00:07:07,970 --> 00:07:09,722
I'll get that.

89
00:07:13,892 --> 00:07:15,686
Looks like we got one more.

90
00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:24,903
What's your name?

91
00:07:25,154 --> 00:07:28,824
I'm Taj Mahal Badalandabad.

92
00:07:28,907 --> 00:07:31,118
Where are you from, Taj?

93
00:07:31,577 --> 00:07:34,371
I'm an exchange student
from Banglapur, India.

94
00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:37,458
Welcome. What can we do for you?

95
00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:42,129
My exchange program culminates
at the end of this school year

96
00:07:42,212 --> 00:07:44,965
at which time
I must return to my home country

97
00:07:45,049 --> 00:07:47,217
where I do not have many friends.

98
00:07:48,052 --> 00:07:50,054
I would like very much
to spend my remaining days here

99
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:52,139
- serving as your assistant.
- Okay.

100
00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:54,141
We're just gonna do
a little word association.

101
00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:55,976
Say the first thing that comes to your mind.
Milk.

102
00:07:56,060 --> 00:07:57,311
Tit.

103
00:07:57,728 --> 00:07:59,188
Oh, Mommy.

104
00:07:59,647 --> 00:08:01,815
Most Indians would say "cow"
because they are sacred,

105
00:08:01,899 --> 00:08:05,069
but I hear "milk," I... I think giant jugs.

106
00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:07,655
You see, I cannot go home a virgin.

107
00:08:07,738 --> 00:08:11,659
I came here to study
the great American art of muff diving.

108
00:08:11,742 --> 00:08:14,703
To smack clam, munch rug,

109
00:08:14,787 --> 00:08:17,706
dine at just one American pink taco stand.

110
00:08:17,790 --> 00:08:21,085
You know, I wanted to, how is it,
park the porpoise.

111
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:24,171
You know, I want to take it
through the car wash, baby.

112
00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:27,675
You know, and get it waxed.
I want to wax it. Wax it.

113
00:08:27,758 --> 00:08:29,718
You know, and air dry.

114
00:08:29,802 --> 00:08:33,055
You know, air dry that shit, yeah.
Yeah, air...

115
00:08:34,348 --> 00:08:38,268
And I would like to be your assistant
very much, Mr. Van Wilder.

116
00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:40,646
You'll need a copy of my class schedule
so you can take notes.

117
00:08:40,729 --> 00:08:42,022
You'll also handle my finances.

118
00:08:42,106 --> 00:08:44,358
I lecture at the freshman crisis group
every other Monday.

119
00:08:44,441 --> 00:08:46,318
I'm spearheading the Save the Swim Team
Speedo Spectacular,

120
00:08:46,402 --> 00:08:48,570
and the Bloated Belly Beer Bash
to Battle Bulimia this semester.

121
00:08:48,654 --> 00:08:51,240
This is Sick Boy's room. Not a week's
gone by he hasn't had an ailment.

122
00:08:51,323 --> 00:08:54,076
Shingles, hepatitis, crabs.
That was his fault.

123
00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:56,537
- Matzo ball soup. Jewish penicillin.
- Thanks, Van.

124
00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:58,497
Don't pick at it. Moving on.

125
00:08:58,580 --> 00:09:01,709
You'll need to move my 7:15 to 8:15,
my 8:15 to 9:45

126
00:09:01,792 --> 00:09:03,961
and my 9:45 till Wednesday.

127
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,838
You owe $75,000 for the speed boat.

128
00:09:05,921 --> 00:09:07,840
Cancel my guest lecture
at the Wharton School next week.

129
00:09:07,923 --> 00:09:10,801
I feel like going somewhere tropical. Tahiti.
Are you writing this down?

130
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,928
- Yes, sir.
- You owe $200,000 for the thoroughbred.

131
00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:16,014
Schedule a massage after my golf game
tomorrow afternoon.

132
00:09:16,098 --> 00:09:18,267
- At the Happy Ending?
- Ah, yes.

133
00:09:18,350 --> 00:09:22,354
And another $39,000 for your son's tuition
and housing this semester.

134
00:09:22,688 --> 00:09:25,524
Tuition? Van is still in school?

135
00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:27,651
For the better part of a decade.

136
00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:34,491
"Depression: Is Prozac really the answer?"

137
00:09:34,575 --> 00:09:36,493
"Famine. Crisis in Rwanda."

138
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:38,829
"Tracking Tuition:
Where does our money really go?"

139
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:43,125
Each article well-written and extensively
researched by our own Gwen Pearson,

140
00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:46,920
and each article skipped over
by the majority of the student body.

141
00:09:47,337 --> 00:09:50,507
I don't care. I won't pander to them.

142
00:09:53,886 --> 00:09:57,598
"Lite Beer vs. Dark. The Showdown"
by Darius Grayson.

143
00:09:57,931 --> 00:10:00,726
- Is that the same...
- Pulitzer-prize winning Darius Grayson.

144
00:10:00,809 --> 00:10:02,603
He's an alumnus of our journalism staff.

145
00:10:02,686 --> 00:10:05,731
He wrote his best stuff in detox.
Still does, I'm told.

146
00:10:06,064 --> 00:10:09,485
I have got a very challenging
assignment for you.

147
00:10:09,902 --> 00:10:11,945
A story that nobody's been able to get.

148
00:10:12,029 --> 00:10:14,740
- About what?
- No, no, no. It's about whom.

149
00:10:31,715 --> 00:10:33,425
It does not look good.

150
00:10:33,509 --> 00:10:35,636
<i>That's the end of the first half</i>

151
00:10:35,719 --> 00:10:39,139
<i>and the Chickadees will need
a miracle to come back and score.</i>

152
00:10:48,774 --> 00:10:51,860
Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you
to step away from Van's vehicle.

153
00:10:51,944 --> 00:10:52,945
Wilder!

154
00:10:53,028 --> 00:10:55,489
He's got no business parking there.
That's my spot.

155
00:10:56,740 --> 00:10:58,659
They need me, Ted.

156
00:11:01,954 --> 00:11:05,249
This is the first time in my life
I'm glad I'm deaf.

157
00:11:05,666 --> 00:11:08,961
I can't hear the boos. Now, listen up.

158
00:11:09,253 --> 00:11:11,755
I'm only gonna go over this one more time.

159
00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:15,092
In the event they switch to a zone defense,

160
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:18,053
we must swing the ball
around the perimeter.

161
00:11:18,804 --> 00:11:21,807
This ball club is the heart
of this institution.

162
00:11:22,099 --> 00:11:25,185
You win, it beats. You lose, it breaks.

163
00:11:25,269 --> 00:11:27,521
You're not boxing out, Big Papa!
You're my Windex man.

164
00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:29,314
I want you shining glass.

165
00:11:29,398 --> 00:11:31,024
We gotta D up out there. Darius.

166
00:11:31,108 --> 00:11:34,236
I want you all over that ball
like a fat kid on a cupcake.

167
00:11:34,319 --> 00:11:37,072
What are you looking at?
Your mom said you left your legs at home.

168
00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:38,949
For God's sake!

169
00:11:39,283 --> 00:11:41,785
I'd do anything for you guys,

170
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:44,371
which is why I'm throwing you
a little soiree tomorrow night

171
00:11:44,454 --> 00:11:45,873
but not without a W tonight.

172
00:11:45,956 --> 00:11:49,459
You want to know why?
Nobody wants to celebrate a loss, guys.

173
00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:52,004
Hey, man, you gonna invite
those freak honeys from Mount Holyoke?

174
00:11:52,087 --> 00:11:54,172
I already did.

175
00:11:54,256 --> 00:11:57,718
They said they'd try to make it
if they weren't humping the Matadors.

176
00:11:57,801 --> 00:12:00,304
- The Matadors?
- What?

177
00:12:01,972 --> 00:12:04,349
Come on. We got a ball game to win.

178
00:12:07,811 --> 00:12:10,606
Let's go kick some Matador tail...

179
00:12:33,337 --> 00:12:35,881
How bad do you wanna be

180
00:12:37,007 --> 00:12:38,050
a Delta?

181
00:12:38,175 --> 00:12:40,177
Would you walk on broken glass?

182
00:12:41,011 --> 00:12:43,805
Let the shards tear
into your Achilles tendon,

183
00:12:43,889 --> 00:12:45,557
causing acute achondroplasia

184
00:12:45,641 --> 00:12:49,311
which could lead to non-congenital
dwarfism as you got older?

185
00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:53,106
Ease up on the medical terms.
Just keep it simple and terrifying.

186
00:12:53,190 --> 00:12:57,277
Gordon, there are very few things more
terrifying than non-congenital dwarfism.

187
00:12:57,361 --> 00:13:00,739
Hey, Richard. Ready to study?

188
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:04,451
Gwenny, I said 9:30. It's 9:20.

189
00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:07,204
I'm in the middle
of an 80-year tradition here.

190
00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:12,626
I will be up when I'm done
with my presidential responsibilities.

191
00:13:12,709 --> 00:13:14,795
Okay, I'll wait for you upstairs.

192
00:13:15,671 --> 00:13:18,548
Who's my alabaster princess?

193
00:13:19,383 --> 00:13:21,551
You are. You are.

194
00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:27,766
Relax, guys. They're just Doritos.

195
00:13:28,517 --> 00:13:30,602
Listen to me, you little fuck stains!

196
00:13:30,686 --> 00:13:35,065
When I count to three, you will jump
or be banished from this house forever!

197
00:13:35,273 --> 00:13:37,776
One, two...

198
00:13:42,364 --> 00:13:43,448
Fuck!

199
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:08,515
Excuse me. Where can I find Van Wilder?

200
00:14:08,598 --> 00:14:11,518
In the <i>Guinness Book
of World-fucking-Records,</i> man,

201
00:14:11,601 --> 00:14:14,062
under "Raddest fucking dude alive."

202
00:14:14,146 --> 00:14:16,189
Okay. Thanks.

203
00:14:16,273 --> 00:14:18,984
In any one of these three rooms, Gramps.

204
00:14:25,115 --> 00:14:26,366
Van Wilder.

205
00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:27,784
Van?

206
00:14:31,955 --> 00:14:34,791
Sweet Joseph, my son's a fairy.

207
00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:38,462
Dad, what are you doing here?

208
00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:41,256
- Thank God.
- No jammies.

209
00:14:41,339 --> 00:14:44,885
- Party foul.
- No, don't... Oh, dear God.

210
00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:47,888
Next time you'll know better.

211
00:14:53,143 --> 00:14:56,480
Seven years, and no degree.
You should have graduated twice by now.

212
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,023
I've done a lot in seven years.

213
00:14:58,106 --> 00:15:00,108
If you don't have your doctorate,
you haven't done enough.

214
00:15:00,192 --> 00:15:02,903
But you have wasted enough of your time
and my money.

215
00:15:02,986 --> 00:15:06,239
Pack up your panties, son,
because we are heading home.

216
00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:08,825
No.

217
00:15:10,994 --> 00:15:13,205
I'm staying here with my friends.

218
00:15:13,288 --> 00:15:17,292
Fine. Maybe your friends
can pay your tuition.

219
00:15:17,375 --> 00:15:21,213
Because this morning I placed
a stop payment on this semester's check.

220
00:15:21,296 --> 00:15:22,422
I'm sorry, Son.

221
00:15:22,506 --> 00:15:25,759
Sometimes in life
you have to realize a poor investment

222
00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:27,385
and cut your losses.

223
00:15:29,679 --> 00:15:32,099
Write that down.

224
00:15:43,902 --> 00:15:45,612
I need more time.

225
00:15:45,695 --> 00:15:48,490
There's got to be something
that we can work out.

226
00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:52,244
What is that intoxicating scent
you're wearing, Doris?

227
00:15:52,327 --> 00:15:53,537
I have cats.

228
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:55,330
Meow.

229
00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:04,881
Maybe you could put me
on some sort of extension program?

230
00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:09,719
- A little pay-as-you-go?
- Are you trying to seduce me?

231
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:12,722
Who, me? No.

232
00:16:20,272 --> 00:16:22,941
You know, maybe this
isn't such a good idea.

233
00:16:23,024 --> 00:16:25,735
Being bad seldom is.

234
00:16:35,954 --> 00:16:38,748
Oh, yeah. That's the shit.

235
00:16:39,583 --> 00:16:42,586
Guess what. I'm feeling
a little cold sore coming on.

236
00:16:42,794 --> 00:16:46,006
Maybe we shouldn't do this
for three to six weeks.

237
00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:50,343
Shut up, bitch, and give me some sugar.

238
00:17:01,271 --> 00:17:05,108
Fill this out. It's a standard
payment plan extension form.

239
00:17:06,318 --> 00:17:09,529
You mean, we didn't have to...

240
00:17:09,613 --> 00:17:12,407
But aren't you glad we did?

241
00:17:25,795 --> 00:17:27,714
You can either mail this in or drop it off.

242
00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:29,049
<i>Go, baby, go!</i>

243
00:17:30,634 --> 00:17:32,427
Mail it in!

244
00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:35,805
Mail it in! Mail it in.

245
00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:39,059
Van, you must make four monthly payments
of $5,000 each.

246
00:17:39,142 --> 00:17:41,686
I'm sorry, Taj. I'm gonna have to let you go.

247
00:17:41,770 --> 00:17:45,190
I... I don't have the resources
to pay for your services anymore.

248
00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:47,567
A good soldier
does not leave his commander

249
00:17:47,651 --> 00:17:50,654
just because he lies wounded,
arms torn off at the sockets,

250
00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:53,865
intestines spilling out onto the mud,
picked at by the birds.

251
00:17:53,949 --> 00:17:55,951
I will stay on at no charge.

252
00:17:56,034 --> 00:17:57,369
Okay.

253
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,204
Exactly how much money do you have?

254
00:17:59,287 --> 00:18:02,082
- He has only $34.
- Damn, Van!

255
00:18:02,165 --> 00:18:05,210
What the hell you gonna do with $34, man?

256
00:18:37,117 --> 00:18:40,954
Congratulations, Taj. Your first blow job.

257
00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:44,291
In my country, a woman's mastery
of her gastronomical releases

258
00:18:44,374 --> 00:18:46,293
is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

259
00:18:46,376 --> 00:18:50,630
Desiree is the foremost connoisseur
of chili con carne and a TA at Coolidge.

260
00:18:50,714 --> 00:18:52,507
I wish I had teachers like that.

261
00:18:52,590 --> 00:18:56,177
<i>And just like that, Topless Tutors was born.</i>

262
00:18:57,554 --> 00:18:59,222
X

263
00:18:59,514 --> 00:19:02,559
equals six?

264
00:19:03,059 --> 00:19:04,060
Yeah!

265
00:19:05,562 --> 00:19:06,980
We knew you could do it.

266
00:19:07,063 --> 00:19:09,149
<i>Desi told me how she
and a few of her grad school pals</i>

267
00:19:09,232 --> 00:19:11,318
<i>could use some extra income.</i>

268
00:19:11,568 --> 00:19:13,653
<i>Taj proved to be
an excellent company accountant,</i>

269
00:19:13,737 --> 00:19:16,406
<i>as well as our most valued client.</i>

270
00:19:27,584 --> 00:19:29,711
Excuse me. Hi.

271
00:19:30,420 --> 00:19:34,007
I'm looking for information
on a current student here, Van Wilder.

272
00:19:40,096 --> 00:19:42,349
Freshman year. I'll get the others.

273
00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:46,061
- Wait. There are more of these?
- Actually, there are many more.

274
00:19:46,144 --> 00:19:49,105
It seems Mr. Wilder didn't quite
come out of his shell

275
00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:51,441
until mid-sophomore year.

276
00:19:52,609 --> 00:19:54,027
Thanks.

277
00:19:57,280 --> 00:20:00,200
It's like this itchy,
rashy burning sensation.

278
00:20:00,283 --> 00:20:02,410
And it hurts when I...

279
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,706
- Dance?
- When I pee.

280
00:20:07,499 --> 00:20:09,042
- You hooked up with a burner.
- Yeah.

281
00:20:09,125 --> 00:20:11,711
She seemed like a nice girl,
said it was her first time?

282
00:20:11,795 --> 00:20:14,547
Always check the quality of the turf
before you step onto the field.

283
00:20:14,631 --> 00:20:17,675
Listen, go to the campus hospital, see Stu.

284
00:20:17,759 --> 00:20:21,221
Tell him Van sent you, and remember...
Don't be a fool. Wrap your tool.

285
00:20:21,304 --> 00:20:23,014
Thanks, Van. Thanks a lot.

286
00:20:23,098 --> 00:20:25,183
Don't thank me. Thank penicillin.

287
00:20:26,643 --> 00:20:29,979
Crazy kids with their crazy VD.

288
00:20:31,981 --> 00:20:34,401
- You must be Van.
- Hi.

289
00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:37,612
I'm Gwen Pearson,
staff writer for <i>The Liberator.</i>

290
00:20:37,695 --> 00:20:38,696
Hi.

291
00:20:40,532 --> 00:20:43,952
Okay, look, that old bag
is stronger than she looks.

292
00:20:44,035 --> 00:20:47,163
I'm doing a human interest piece on you.

293
00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:50,083
I'm flattered.
I'd love for your piece to be on me.

294
00:20:52,335 --> 00:20:55,255
But sadly I don't do interviews.
Never have, never will. I do lunch.

295
00:20:55,338 --> 00:20:57,340
My editor did say
this would be a challenge.

296
00:20:57,424 --> 00:20:59,426
Van, second date with Emily. Red? Blue?

297
00:20:59,509 --> 00:21:02,554
Blue. Brings out your eyes.
Kid's got killer eyes, not unlike yourself.

298
00:21:02,637 --> 00:21:05,432
- Has anyone told you that before?
- Yes, my boyfriend.

299
00:21:05,515 --> 00:21:08,143
Is it true that
this is your seventh year at Coolidge?

300
00:21:08,226 --> 00:21:09,978
Carry the two... Yes, that's correct.

301
00:21:10,061 --> 00:21:12,313
So what's your boyfriend's name?
Does he go to school here?

302
00:21:12,397 --> 00:21:14,691
- Does he appreciate you?
- That's none of your business.

303
00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:17,026
You know what? You're right.

304
00:21:18,987 --> 00:21:22,115
His name's Richard. He's premed.

305
00:21:22,198 --> 00:21:24,409
Van, you have a 1:30 with the swim team.

306
00:21:24,492 --> 00:21:25,535
On it.

307
00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:27,787
- You have an assistant?
- Yes, I do.

308
00:21:30,331 --> 00:21:32,459
Is there anything
you can tell me about yourself

309
00:21:32,542 --> 00:21:34,836
that I haven't already found out
from your public records?

310
00:21:34,919 --> 00:21:36,713
I'll be at the quad tomorrow night at 10:00.
Sound good?

311
00:21:36,796 --> 00:21:38,506
- Yes.
- It's a date.

312
00:21:38,590 --> 00:21:40,967
It's an interview, not a date.

313
00:21:43,595 --> 00:21:46,306
Gwen, first dates are interviews.

314
00:21:47,974 --> 00:21:49,809
You going out tonight?

315
00:21:50,059 --> 00:21:53,521
Rob's coming over.
I'm closing in on that diamond, Gwen.

316
00:21:53,605 --> 00:21:56,483
The dynamic duo will seal the deal tonight.

317
00:21:56,900 --> 00:21:58,860
Good luck, ladies.

318
00:22:00,987 --> 00:22:04,574
Somebody got awfully dressed up
to quiz me on my anatomy midterm.

319
00:22:04,657 --> 00:22:07,535
I'm so sorry, baby. I totally forgot.

320
00:22:07,619 --> 00:22:09,996
- I have an interview for the paper.
- At 10:00 at night?

321
00:22:10,079 --> 00:22:13,666
Can't you postpone it?
Gwen, first exam, most crucial.

322
00:22:13,750 --> 00:22:16,878
It's not like you're on a deadline
for <i>The Boston Globe.</i>

323
00:22:16,961 --> 00:22:20,006
It's the only time he had available.
I'll call you as soon as I get back.

324
00:22:20,089 --> 00:22:21,633
Bye.

325
00:22:22,926 --> 00:22:24,093
He?

326
00:22:29,766 --> 00:22:32,685
All right. Gwen, all right!
You're just in time.

327
00:22:32,769 --> 00:22:34,729
- Take your clothes off.
- I'm not taking off my clothes.

328
00:22:34,812 --> 00:22:39,108
It is the Naked Mile Run.
Everybody else is in their birthday suit.

329
00:22:40,985 --> 00:22:42,487
Except that guy.

330
00:22:43,446 --> 00:22:46,449
- I have a few questions for you.
- In time. This is gonna be fun.

331
00:22:46,533 --> 00:22:48,952
You know that three-letter word
that starts with "F"?

332
00:22:49,035 --> 00:22:51,746
So you're quite the campus man,
heading events like the Jäger Olympics.

333
00:22:51,829 --> 00:22:55,083
Yes, well, you haven't lived

334
00:22:55,166 --> 00:22:57,377
until you've shot-putted blitzed on Jäger.

335
00:22:57,460 --> 00:23:00,296
- Heinie?
- This was a really bad idea. I'm leaving.

336
00:23:01,673 --> 00:23:04,133
Are we gonna reschedule or what?

337
00:23:14,435 --> 00:23:16,354
Who's a big boy?

338
00:23:17,814 --> 00:23:19,732
Oh, God!

339
00:23:20,066 --> 00:23:22,318
Those things could raise the <i>Titanic.</i>

340
00:23:23,945 --> 00:23:25,280
You Van Wilder?

341
00:23:25,446 --> 00:23:27,907
<i>The strip club owner got tired
of using his B squad,</i>

342
00:23:27,991 --> 00:23:30,577
<i>so he came back for the starting lineup.</i>

343
00:23:31,035 --> 00:23:32,829
<i>Topless Tutors was dead.</i>

344
00:23:34,289 --> 00:23:36,749
We are truly up the Ganga river
without a bamboo oar.

345
00:23:36,833 --> 00:23:39,794
We're still $1,200 short
of your next tuition payment.

346
00:23:39,877 --> 00:23:43,590
Taj, I learned a long time ago
that worrying is like a rocking chair.

347
00:23:43,673 --> 00:23:46,134
It gives you something to do,
but it doesn't get you anywhere.

348
00:23:46,217 --> 00:23:47,302
Write that down.

349
00:23:47,385 --> 00:23:50,013
Don't even sweat it, Taj. I've got a plan.

350
00:23:51,431 --> 00:23:52,890
- Let's go get fucked up.
- Sounds good.

351
00:23:52,974 --> 00:23:54,767
Is that all you think about?

352
00:23:54,851 --> 00:23:56,686
I admit I applied for this job

353
00:23:56,769 --> 00:23:59,272
because I wanted to cut loose
and shake my rump,

354
00:23:59,355 --> 00:24:02,942
but I do not believe that this dilemma
will be solved by partying.

355
00:24:06,237 --> 00:24:07,864
Can I help you, son?

356
00:24:08,489 --> 00:24:12,827
I certainly hope so, Mr. Wilder.
I come to you in desperation.

357
00:24:12,910 --> 00:24:17,081
I'm Panos Patakos, president
of the Lambda Omega Omega fraternity.

358
00:24:17,165 --> 00:24:20,209
I'm sure you're aware of our stigma.

359
00:24:20,293 --> 00:24:23,504
Yeah, you guys have had
the best GPA the last 50 years.

360
00:24:24,255 --> 00:24:28,551
Indeed, but believe it or not,
the best GPA doesn't get you laid.

361
00:24:28,635 --> 00:24:31,095
- Damn well should.
- Amen.

362
00:24:31,721 --> 00:24:34,641
This month marks our 75th anniversary.

363
00:24:34,891 --> 00:24:38,603
I am here to ask you to aid us
in throwing a party,

364
00:24:38,686 --> 00:24:40,313
a party we can be proud of,

365
00:24:40,396 --> 00:24:43,650
a party people will actually show up to.

366
00:24:43,733 --> 00:24:47,570
Gosh, I'd really love to help, but I have
a bamboo oar stuck up my Ganges.

367
00:24:47,654 --> 00:24:50,907
It's very scary stuff.
I just don't have the time.

368
00:24:52,492 --> 00:24:54,327
How much is your time worth?

369
00:24:56,496 --> 00:25:00,458
<i>Panos reminded me that I had
one very valuable skill I'd yet to tap.</i>

370
00:25:00,541 --> 00:25:04,587
<i>My undeniable ability
to throw one hell of a party.</i>

371
00:25:09,175 --> 00:25:12,553
<i>I was hanging on by a thread,
but I was still making tuition.</i>

372
00:25:15,848 --> 00:25:18,434
The strawberry! Eat the strawberry!
It's worth 250!

373
00:25:18,518 --> 00:25:21,854
- Don't you think I know that?
- You treat me like a child.

374
00:25:21,938 --> 00:25:23,523
I don't like the way you condescend me.

375
00:25:23,606 --> 00:25:25,525
- Don't do that!
- Frankly, you're juvenile.

376
00:25:25,608 --> 00:25:26,776
Guys.

377
00:25:27,485 --> 00:25:29,195
I know Ms. Pac-Man's special.

378
00:25:29,278 --> 00:25:32,782
She's fun. She's cute. She swallows.

379
00:25:32,865 --> 00:25:34,617
But we gotta talk, guys.

380
00:25:35,326 --> 00:25:38,079
Huddle up. Come on. Team meeting here.

381
00:25:38,162 --> 00:25:40,498
Cowboy. All right.

382
00:25:40,957 --> 00:25:43,126
I look at you guys,
and you know what I see?

383
00:25:43,209 --> 00:25:45,211
A collective GPA of 52,000?

384
00:25:45,294 --> 00:25:47,046
Yeah! No!

385
00:25:47,130 --> 00:25:51,300
I see a bunch of party animals
crouched in attack position, ready to strike.

386
00:25:51,384 --> 00:25:52,802
Am I right?

387
00:25:53,928 --> 00:25:55,388
No one even knows we're here.

388
00:25:55,471 --> 00:25:59,142
<i>Au contraire, mon frère</i>. Girls!

389
00:25:59,350 --> 00:26:00,393
Hi.

390
00:26:00,727 --> 00:26:03,146
I'd like you to meet Sherri and Terri.

391
00:26:03,521 --> 00:26:06,107
Two girls utterly infatuated

392
00:26:06,190 --> 00:26:11,195
with men who have larger than normal
medulla oblongatas.

393
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:21,038
Pearson, I got a hot news tip for you.
It's Friday night. Get out of here.

394
00:26:21,122 --> 00:26:24,459
I know. I'm just doing some final revisions
to this piece on euthanasia.

395
00:26:24,542 --> 00:26:27,754
Oh, I read that. Made me want to kill myself.
I'm kidding.

396
00:26:27,837 --> 00:26:30,256
- Where's my Wilder story?
- There is no story, Elliot.

397
00:26:30,339 --> 00:26:33,676
The guy's a joke.
He tries to turn every interview into a date.

398
00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:35,762
A good writer gets her story
no matter what.

399
00:26:35,845 --> 00:26:41,184
Please get me the Wilder piece.
He's throwing a big party tonight.

400
00:26:41,267 --> 00:26:42,852
You should be there.

401
00:26:50,526 --> 00:26:53,362
- This is really a pimping good time.
- Yes, it is.

402
00:26:55,782 --> 00:26:59,535
Look who's checking out
the Badalandabad. Her name's Naomi.

403
00:27:00,036 --> 00:27:02,455
That's "I moan" backwards.

404
00:27:03,873 --> 00:27:06,751
I put in a good word for you.

405
00:27:07,210 --> 00:27:10,004
Hey, Tajy. Let's boogie.

406
00:27:29,816 --> 00:27:32,485
These are the most pathetic
bunch of pledges.

407
00:27:32,568 --> 00:27:34,195
You picked 'em.

408
00:27:36,030 --> 00:27:37,657
- Hey, babe.
- Gwen.

409
00:27:37,740 --> 00:27:40,827
- Why aren't you in costume?
- I can't stay. I have to work tonight.

410
00:27:40,910 --> 00:27:43,663
You're gonna miss
the biggest party of the year.

411
00:27:44,330 --> 00:27:46,123
Well, I gotta go.

412
00:27:46,290 --> 00:27:48,751
- I'll call you tomorrow.
- What?

413
00:27:49,293 --> 00:27:51,003
This party so rocks, Richard.

414
00:27:51,087 --> 00:27:54,006
- This party sucks rectum, Jeannie.
- Okay.

415
00:27:56,425 --> 00:27:57,635
Where the hell is everyone?

416
00:27:57,718 --> 00:28:00,930
Mad props for this pimping good time

417
00:28:01,013 --> 00:28:03,266
go out to those
hung and handsome bad boys

418
00:28:03,349 --> 00:28:05,268
of Lambda Omega Omega.

419
00:28:06,143 --> 00:28:08,771
Thanks for the good time, fellas.

420
00:28:18,698 --> 00:28:22,535
- Let's get you some skates.
- I'm not here to skate.

421
00:28:22,618 --> 00:28:24,912
For some reason,
my editor thinks you're a story.

422
00:28:24,996 --> 00:28:26,205
What do you think?

423
00:28:26,289 --> 00:28:29,208
As a story, I think...

424
00:28:29,292 --> 00:28:30,793
You're a little soft.

425
00:28:30,877 --> 00:28:34,964
Wow, all this time I thought I was
more to you than just some flaccid story.

426
00:28:35,464 --> 00:28:37,383
A dilemma has arose up front.

427
00:28:37,466 --> 00:28:40,386
- Don't know if we got our point across.
- Crystal clear, guys.

428
00:28:40,469 --> 00:28:42,930
- This is incredible.
- 100%. Don't go anywhere.

429
00:28:43,014 --> 00:28:45,558
Seriously. Van is a godsend.

430
00:28:45,641 --> 00:28:48,519
I would have paid him
way more than a grand for this party.

431
00:28:48,603 --> 00:28:50,855
I would have cashed in my Israel bonds.

432
00:28:50,938 --> 00:28:53,900
- How do you put a price on dignity?
- How do you put a price on poonani?

433
00:28:53,983 --> 00:28:56,485
- Yes!
- Oh, God!

434
00:29:04,493 --> 00:29:06,370
Whoa. Trick or treat. What's going on?

435
00:29:06,454 --> 00:29:10,291
This vaginal discharge
won't let us partake in the party.

436
00:29:10,374 --> 00:29:11,584
Graphic.

437
00:29:11,667 --> 00:29:13,961
I'm sure we can accommodate
a few more, yeah?

438
00:29:14,045 --> 00:29:16,839
No can do. We're at maximum capacity.

439
00:29:21,177 --> 00:29:22,929
- What are you doing here?
- You two know each other?

440
00:29:23,012 --> 00:29:24,305
That's my girlfriend, gluteus erecti.

441
00:29:24,388 --> 00:29:27,183
- You must be premed Dick.
- Yeah, that's right.

442
00:29:27,475 --> 00:29:30,853
- What's it to you?
- Thanks for the story.

443
00:29:31,145 --> 00:29:32,313
What story?

444
00:29:33,022 --> 00:29:36,651
Brilliant, Pearson. I have been inundated
with people telling me

445
00:29:36,734 --> 00:29:38,444
how much they enjoy
reading about this guy.

446
00:29:38,527 --> 00:29:41,656
They want more, and so do I.
I want you to do a follow-up.

447
00:29:41,739 --> 00:29:43,866
I did your story, Elliot.
I'm not doing another one.

448
00:29:43,950 --> 00:29:45,534
Even if I tell you it's gonna be
on the front page

449
00:29:45,618 --> 00:29:47,912
of the graduation issue in two months?

450
00:29:49,705 --> 00:29:52,792
And I quote, "Van Wilder is a party pimp."

451
00:29:52,875 --> 00:29:55,544
Sick Boy. Can you believe she wrote that?

452
00:29:55,628 --> 00:29:59,090
Van Wilder's phone.
I do not foresee that to be a problem.

453
00:29:59,173 --> 00:30:01,425
And that guy she's with...
All kinds of wrong for her.

454
00:30:01,509 --> 00:30:05,304
- Sick Boy, how are you doing?
- Van, the shingles are all gone.

455
00:30:06,389 --> 00:30:08,057
That ointment really worked.

456
00:30:08,140 --> 00:30:09,433
Thanks.

457
00:30:09,517 --> 00:30:11,435
Looking good there, buddy.

458
00:30:16,774 --> 00:30:19,068
- He'll call you back.
- Unbelievable.

459
00:30:19,568 --> 00:30:21,487
Van Wilder's phone.

460
00:30:21,904 --> 00:30:25,282
- Terrible.
- I think so. Yeah.

461
00:30:25,366 --> 00:30:27,118
- Hang on.
- Unbelievable.

462
00:30:27,201 --> 00:30:29,745
Van's room. Saturday night, yeah.

463
00:30:29,829 --> 00:30:32,373
That's... How did you... From the paper?

464
00:30:32,456 --> 00:30:35,042
Yeah, that's fine. Okay, thanks.

465
00:30:35,126 --> 00:30:38,170
- No problem confirming. Bye.
- This writing, it's just...

466
00:30:38,254 --> 00:30:39,630
- Hi...
- No!

467
00:30:39,714 --> 00:30:42,091
I was just wondering if you could
slam the door in my face.

468
00:30:42,174 --> 00:30:43,718
Van, you must listen to me.

469
00:30:43,801 --> 00:30:47,471
Because of her article, everybody wants
to have a party thrown by Van Wilder,

470
00:30:47,555 --> 00:30:49,265
the party liaison.

471
00:30:49,348 --> 00:30:51,767
Your cash camel has arrived.

472
00:30:56,105 --> 00:30:57,481
We need to talk.

473
00:31:00,651 --> 00:31:02,778
This is why I don't do interviews.
You totally slammed me.

474
00:31:02,862 --> 00:31:05,322
You journalists
and your irresponsible reporting.

475
00:31:05,406 --> 00:31:08,367
I recorded quotes that you got money
from the Lambdas to throw them a party.

476
00:31:08,451 --> 00:31:11,328
Recorded? What are you, bugged?
Do I need to frisk you?

477
00:31:11,412 --> 00:31:13,247
Why is my story such a big deal to you?

478
00:31:13,330 --> 00:31:16,208
Because I didn't want the students
to know I threw the party.

479
00:31:16,292 --> 00:31:19,545
They paid me,
but that's not the only reason I did it.

480
00:31:19,879 --> 00:31:22,882
Lambdas are cool in their own right.
People just needed to realize it.

481
00:31:22,965 --> 00:31:26,427
I'm sorry. I didn't know
you had a benevolent agenda.

482
00:31:26,510 --> 00:31:28,888
There's two sides to every story, Gwen.

483
00:31:28,971 --> 00:31:31,390
I have a chance to make front page
of the graduation issue,

484
00:31:31,474 --> 00:31:33,768
which is a huge deal to me.

485
00:31:34,226 --> 00:31:36,228
Let me get the other side.

486
00:31:36,771 --> 00:31:38,939
There's this function
I'm hosting tomorrow night.

487
00:31:39,023 --> 00:31:42,068
If you want, you could tag along.

488
00:31:42,151 --> 00:31:44,111
- I'll be there.
- It's a date.

489
00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:46,072
It's an interview.

490
00:31:46,655 --> 00:31:49,158
Remember, today's assignment
is about shadow.

491
00:31:49,241 --> 00:31:51,410
So don't get too hung up on detail.

492
00:31:51,660 --> 00:31:53,287
All right, everybody?

493
00:31:53,370 --> 00:31:54,955
Oh, Lord.

494
00:31:57,249 --> 00:32:00,377
So much sinew, I need a bigger pencil.

495
00:32:00,628 --> 00:32:03,464
8:30 p.m. Yeah, that's fine.
Hello, hello? Yeah...

496
00:32:03,839 --> 00:32:07,927
<i>Word spread around campus.
My calendar was filled with parties to plan.</i>

497
00:32:08,302 --> 00:32:11,889
<i>Van Wilder, party liaison, was born.</i>

498
00:32:13,057 --> 00:32:15,810
<i>At the Hillel House, I broke bread.</i>

499
00:32:15,893 --> 00:32:17,853
<i>And then I broke the boredom.</i>

500
00:32:22,358 --> 00:32:25,486
<i>They said I did them a</i> mitzvah.
<i>That's Yiddish for "good deed."</i>

501
00:32:25,569 --> 00:32:27,363
<i>Write that down.</i>

502
00:32:28,072 --> 00:32:30,324
<i>Oh, yeah, she came, too.</i>

503
00:32:35,079 --> 00:32:37,039
This is the second party of his
she's gone to.

504
00:32:37,123 --> 00:32:38,999
Sounds serious. Threatened?

505
00:32:40,793 --> 00:32:43,045
Threatened? Please.

506
00:32:44,672 --> 00:32:48,134
I'm president of both my fraternity
and the student government.

507
00:32:48,884 --> 00:32:51,345
He's nothing more than a mild rectal itch.

508
00:32:52,721 --> 00:32:54,723
You know what you do
about a mild rectal itch, Gordo?

509
00:32:54,807 --> 00:32:56,934
- What's that, Richard?
- You scratch it.

510
00:32:57,017 --> 00:32:58,978
Then you scratch it some more.

511
00:32:59,061 --> 00:33:00,980
The more you scratch at it,
the worse it gets

512
00:33:01,063 --> 00:33:04,650
until finally you have nothing left
but a raw, chafed,

513
00:33:04,984 --> 00:33:07,778
possibly infected anal cavity.

514
00:33:08,821 --> 00:33:10,114
Then it's won.

515
00:33:10,197 --> 00:33:13,993
When all you had to do from the start
was take a medicated pad

516
00:33:15,911 --> 00:33:17,204
and smother it.

517
00:33:22,251 --> 00:33:24,753
All right, people, midterm is next week.

518
00:33:26,422 --> 00:33:28,174
Here you have your five categories.

519
00:33:28,257 --> 00:33:31,343
Commerce and trade, so forth and so on.

520
00:33:31,427 --> 00:33:33,262
What you doing?

521
00:33:34,096 --> 00:33:37,516
I'm in the middle of class.
You know, that five-letter word.

522
00:33:37,600 --> 00:33:41,312
I thought we could spend
some time together for the story.

523
00:33:44,106 --> 00:33:45,816
I want you to have this.

524
00:33:47,610 --> 00:33:50,112
- Yeah.
- And thank you.

525
00:33:50,196 --> 00:33:53,449
All right, things to remember.
Commerce and trade...

526
00:33:53,532 --> 00:33:56,410
Everybody just file out
in an orderly fashion.

527
00:34:05,461 --> 00:34:08,255
What? Come on. Hop in.

528
00:34:08,339 --> 00:34:09,798
I am not getting in that thing with you.

529
00:34:09,882 --> 00:34:13,010
If you want the story,
you'll get in this thing with me.

530
00:34:15,137 --> 00:34:17,139
What happened? Is everyone okay?

531
00:34:22,102 --> 00:34:23,187
Wilder.

532
00:34:25,522 --> 00:34:27,524
Are we gonna get in trouble
for being in here?

533
00:34:27,608 --> 00:34:30,569
It's cool. Equipment manager owes me
a favor. I introduced him to his wife.

534
00:34:30,653 --> 00:34:33,030
Life is all about
developing relationships, Gwen.

535
00:34:33,113 --> 00:34:35,741
I hope you can skate.

536
00:34:36,951 --> 00:34:39,578
So the deal is, I score,

537
00:34:39,662 --> 00:34:42,248
you cooperate
and answer all my questions?

538
00:34:42,331 --> 00:34:44,833
- I miss...
- Dinner for two, me and you.

539
00:34:45,876 --> 00:34:47,336
Clothing optional.

540
00:35:11,151 --> 00:35:12,236
Come on!

541
00:35:18,951 --> 00:35:20,035
Holy crap.

542
00:35:40,014 --> 00:35:42,391
My brothers play hockey

543
00:35:43,142 --> 00:35:44,643
for the Rangers.

544
00:35:45,853 --> 00:35:48,689
My dad just didn't see me
as a sound investment anymore.

545
00:35:48,772 --> 00:35:52,735
But he gave up on me and my mom
long before I ever came here.

546
00:35:54,570 --> 00:35:56,697
Maybe seven years of tuition

547
00:35:56,780 --> 00:35:59,700
is a good way to remind him
that you're still angry.

548
00:36:01,118 --> 00:36:04,747
So how long have you
and premed Richard been together?

549
00:36:04,913 --> 00:36:08,417
- Since my freshman year.
- I bet he's a tighty whitey guy.

550
00:36:08,500 --> 00:36:11,211
- Excuse me?
- White, elastic band, constrictive.

551
00:36:11,295 --> 00:36:13,505
You can tell a lot about a person
by the kind of drawers they wear.

552
00:36:13,589 --> 00:36:15,466
Like you. Granny panties, I bet.

553
00:36:15,549 --> 00:36:18,427
Does that allude to me
being the plain, boring type?

554
00:36:19,094 --> 00:36:21,180
I just wanted a visual.

555
00:36:21,472 --> 00:36:24,683
I think it takes a lot more
than the kind of underwear one wears

556
00:36:24,767 --> 00:36:26,602
to define them as a person.

557
00:36:27,019 --> 00:36:28,479
Like what?

558
00:36:28,562 --> 00:36:30,481
Like their actions.

559
00:36:30,773 --> 00:36:32,024
For instance,

560
00:36:32,107 --> 00:36:35,444
most people want to get out of school
so they can make money.

561
00:36:35,652 --> 00:36:38,655
You're trying to make money
to stay in school.

562
00:36:39,448 --> 00:36:41,867
- Why?
- I like it here.

563
00:36:43,827 --> 00:36:45,454
What about your future?

564
00:36:46,455 --> 00:36:50,292
- You take life way too seriously.
- Life is serious.

565
00:36:50,959 --> 00:36:53,879
I used to party with this guy
who once told me,

566
00:36:53,962 --> 00:36:57,257
"Don't take life too seriously.
You'll never get out alive."

567
00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:01,929
He used to write for the school paper.

568
00:37:02,012 --> 00:37:05,682
He kept babbling about the differences
between light and dark beer.

569
00:37:07,810 --> 00:37:09,812
Very strange, but good advice.

570
00:37:10,145 --> 00:37:15,359
You think about the future too much, you
kinda forget about the present obviously.

571
00:37:16,318 --> 00:37:19,405
And I am really
enjoying the present right now,

572
00:37:19,488 --> 00:37:22,616
sharing a penalty box
and a tri-latte with Gwen Pearson

573
00:37:22,699 --> 00:37:26,662
who believes censorship reflects
society's lack of confidence in itself.

574
00:37:26,745 --> 00:37:28,622
You actually read that article?

575
00:37:28,705 --> 00:37:32,418
Okay, look, I read the damn article,
but don't tell anyone,

576
00:37:32,501 --> 00:37:34,962
because if word gets out that I read,
my reputation...

577
00:37:35,045 --> 00:37:37,172
Shot to hell.

578
00:37:42,428 --> 00:37:44,888
She's smart, she's beautiful,

579
00:37:44,972 --> 00:37:46,890
she can skate.

580
00:37:46,974 --> 00:37:50,686
She's not for you, dude.
She's too high-strung.

581
00:37:51,061 --> 00:37:52,938
Besides, babes that fine,

582
00:37:53,021 --> 00:37:55,983
they're way into themselves and shit.

583
00:37:58,360 --> 00:38:00,279
After this weekend,
we should have sufficient funds

584
00:38:00,362 --> 00:38:02,489
to cover your next two payments.

585
00:38:02,573 --> 00:38:04,783
I mean, this girl is dynamite.

586
00:38:06,285 --> 00:38:08,787
Too bad she's dating Strapper John, MD.

587
00:38:12,875 --> 00:38:17,254
- Where did you find that?
- In your room a few days ago.

588
00:38:17,337 --> 00:38:20,257
I'm trying to spark this bong,
but this damn thing won't light.

589
00:38:20,340 --> 00:38:23,385
That's no bong. It's for my schlong.

590
00:38:28,557 --> 00:38:29,975
Hold on.

591
00:38:30,225 --> 00:38:32,728
You mean I put my mouth
on your cock pump?

592
00:38:34,229 --> 00:38:35,355
Oh, damn.

593
00:38:39,943 --> 00:38:44,823
I have a date with Naomi tomorrow night
and I just wanted to bring my A game.

594
00:38:45,616 --> 00:38:49,745
Taj, come on.
That's what I'm here for, right?

595
00:38:50,078 --> 00:38:52,456
Now, follow my foolproof plan,

596
00:38:52,539 --> 00:38:55,626
and I'm gonna help you
put the bang in Banglapur.

597
00:38:55,959 --> 00:38:59,129
All you need are the three fundamentals,
scented candles,

598
00:38:59,588 --> 00:39:01,131
massage oil,

599
00:39:01,798 --> 00:39:03,175
and Barry White.

600
00:39:03,592 --> 00:39:04,927
Write that down.

601
00:39:05,928 --> 00:39:09,181
- Hey, no cock pump.
- No cock pump.

602
00:39:09,264 --> 00:39:10,682
Barry White.

603
00:39:11,433 --> 00:39:13,936
I'm gonna go wash my hands now.

604
00:39:14,019 --> 00:39:17,898
Oh, Gwen. Your labia feels so good
around my swollen phallus.

605
00:39:20,776 --> 00:39:22,903
I'm fairly confident I'm going to ejaculate.

606
00:39:22,986 --> 00:39:25,948
I'm releasing my seminal fluids
inside of you now.

607
00:39:39,294 --> 00:39:40,879
Are you okay?

608
00:39:42,965 --> 00:39:44,466
Yeah. Why?

609
00:39:46,426 --> 00:39:47,803
Didn't you...

610
00:39:48,762 --> 00:39:50,931
It's kinda hard in 15 seconds.

611
00:39:51,515 --> 00:39:52,849
Damn it.

612
00:39:55,352 --> 00:39:58,397
You know the kind of pressure
I'm under with my exams.

613
00:40:00,065 --> 00:40:01,817
- I'm sorry.
- Look, I'm sorry.

614
00:40:01,900 --> 00:40:05,070
This semester's marks could determine
the next 10 years of our lives.

615
00:40:05,153 --> 00:40:07,072
Do you realize that?

616
00:40:08,740 --> 00:40:10,158
You know,

617
00:40:10,450 --> 00:40:12,911
you shouldn't take life too seriously.

618
00:40:13,704 --> 00:40:15,497
You'll never get out alive.

619
00:40:20,002 --> 00:40:22,671
What the hell is that supposed to mean?

620
00:40:25,507 --> 00:40:28,010
I'm late for my study group.

621
00:40:37,436 --> 00:40:39,855
She was getting awfully chummy
with the rectal itch.

622
00:40:39,938 --> 00:40:42,441
Son of a bitch. Disappear!

623
00:40:42,524 --> 00:40:44,443
Yes, superior leader, sir.

624
00:40:48,238 --> 00:40:50,657
It's time to excise that cancerous lump.

625
00:40:50,741 --> 00:40:53,785
Forget him. Let's crap in the chapter room
and make the pledges clean it up.

626
00:40:53,869 --> 00:40:56,288
- It'll be fun.
- I wish I could, Gordo.

627
00:40:56,747 --> 00:40:58,957
I got dinner at Gwen's parents' house.

628
00:40:59,041 --> 00:41:01,710
Sounds special. Is Wilder gonna be there?

629
00:41:02,044 --> 00:41:04,338
Hey, guys. Hey, Richard.

630
00:41:04,713 --> 00:41:07,174
Is there anything I can do for you today?

631
00:41:12,554 --> 00:41:13,889
Dear Van...

632
00:41:19,561 --> 00:41:21,605
Here you go, Taj. Get your rave on, man.

633
00:41:21,688 --> 00:41:22,856
- Thanks.
- You got it.

634
00:41:22,939 --> 00:41:26,151
"See you tonight. Gwen."
The invite to the parents' house.

635
00:41:26,234 --> 00:41:30,238
This is big. This is very, very big.

636
00:41:30,322 --> 00:41:32,240
- Doesn't she have a boyfriend?
- Details.

637
00:41:32,324 --> 00:41:34,326
I'm off. Taj, you're in charge.

638
00:41:34,409 --> 00:41:37,496
I do not think I'm capable
of handling such a responsibility.

639
00:41:37,579 --> 00:41:40,999
Listen to me. Do you know
why I chose you as my assistant?

640
00:41:41,083 --> 00:41:42,751
So you could teach me how to muff dive?

641
00:41:42,834 --> 00:41:43,835
No.

642
00:41:44,211 --> 00:41:46,505
Well, yeah, but also,

643
00:41:46,880 --> 00:41:49,424
because you have the potential to be great.

644
00:42:05,607 --> 00:42:06,900
- Hello.
- Hi.

645
00:42:07,484 --> 00:42:09,778
- May I help you?
- Yeah, I'm Van...

646
00:42:09,861 --> 00:42:11,780
Van, you made it.

647
00:42:12,447 --> 00:42:15,283
Evelyn, this is one of your daughter's
acquaintances from school.

648
00:42:15,367 --> 00:42:16,868
There's room for one more?

649
00:42:16,952 --> 00:42:19,705
By all means. Come in, please.

650
00:42:22,791 --> 00:42:26,461
Definitely be out of the question
unless they all agreed with us

651
00:42:26,545 --> 00:42:29,172
and we talked it over.

652
00:42:31,299 --> 00:42:32,801
Excuse me, gentlemen.

653
00:42:33,468 --> 00:42:35,804
Excuse me, gentlemen.

654
00:42:36,263 --> 00:42:39,141
Van, this is Dr. Henke, proctologist.

655
00:42:39,224 --> 00:42:43,103
Oh, well, holy crap.
I hope you're not on call tonight.

656
00:42:44,146 --> 00:42:46,356
Dr. Beeverman, OB-GYN.

657
00:42:46,440 --> 00:42:48,817
Van Wilder. G-L-A-D to meet you.

658
00:42:50,318 --> 00:42:51,987
And of course, Gwen's father.

659
00:42:52,070 --> 00:42:55,949
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
Dr. Pearson?

660
00:42:56,032 --> 00:42:58,243
- Indeed.
- Indeed. Super.

661
00:42:58,910 --> 00:43:02,247
All right. So am I here for a physical?

662
00:43:02,330 --> 00:43:06,501
'Cause I'm gonna need a few cocktails
before I start coughing for you fellas.

663
00:43:13,550 --> 00:43:16,762
- What are you doing here?
- I don't know.

664
00:43:16,845 --> 00:43:18,388
No, thank you.

665
00:43:18,472 --> 00:43:21,224
Mr. Wilder here is quite the collegian.

666
00:43:21,308 --> 00:43:23,769
He's in his, what, sixth year?

667
00:43:23,852 --> 00:43:25,812
Lucky number seven, actually.

668
00:43:26,646 --> 00:43:29,274
- What are you studying, son?
- I dabble in a bit of everything.

669
00:43:29,357 --> 00:43:32,444
I've tried to experience
all that Coolidge has to offer.

670
00:43:32,527 --> 00:43:34,738
Surely you have a career in mind.

671
00:43:34,821 --> 00:43:36,490
No, not really.

672
00:43:37,365 --> 00:43:39,493
I'm still looking for that
dare-to-be-great situation.

673
00:43:39,576 --> 00:43:42,913
Maybe you should start looking
for that dare-to-be-employed situation.

674
00:43:42,996 --> 00:43:45,248
The student body finds Van so intriguing

675
00:43:45,332 --> 00:43:47,626
that my editor has asked me
to do an exposé on him

676
00:43:47,709 --> 00:43:48,960
for the school newspaper.

677
00:43:49,044 --> 00:43:51,171
Isn't that wonderful?

678
00:43:51,254 --> 00:43:53,965
- That will be quite the page-turner.
- It'll be a very well-written article.

679
00:43:54,049 --> 00:43:56,635
Gwen is an extremely gifted journalist.

680
00:43:56,718 --> 00:43:59,095
Are you and Richard in the same fraternity?

681
00:43:59,179 --> 00:44:00,388
Oh, no.

682
00:44:00,639 --> 00:44:04,142
Van isn't exactly Delta Iota Kappa material.

683
00:44:04,392 --> 00:44:07,771
Richard, you rascal,
you never told me that you were a DIK.

684
00:44:09,231 --> 00:44:11,233
Not that you had to.

685
00:44:11,775 --> 00:44:13,902
I'm gonna go get
another bottle of champagne.

686
00:44:13,985 --> 00:44:16,446
- Richard, will you help me open it?
- Sure.

687
00:44:22,536 --> 00:44:23,829
Wow.

688
00:44:24,079 --> 00:44:26,623
If he's here, who's running Hell?

689
00:44:28,834 --> 00:44:31,336
- What are you doing out there?
- Proving a point.

690
00:44:31,419 --> 00:44:34,840
Your friend doesn't fit in.
He's a virus, and I'm the vaccine.

691
00:44:34,923 --> 00:44:37,843
- I can't believe you're doing this.
- Pop quiz. True or false.

692
00:44:37,926 --> 00:44:41,555
You and that GDI have been spending
an inordinate amount of time together.

693
00:44:41,638 --> 00:44:43,682
True. Now here's a multiple choice
question for you.

694
00:44:43,765 --> 00:44:46,685
You're A, an asshole, B, an asshole
who isn't staying at my place tonight,

695
00:44:46,768 --> 00:44:49,521
- or C, all the above?
- What's B again?

696
00:44:49,938 --> 00:44:52,732
Gwenny, I'm kidding. I apologize.

697
00:44:52,816 --> 00:44:55,694
- Gwenny, where are you going?
- To go save Van.

698
00:44:55,777 --> 00:44:59,865
God only knows what my parents
and their stuck-up friends are doing to him.

699
00:45:07,414 --> 00:45:09,082
Okay! All right!

700
00:45:09,165 --> 00:45:12,210
You're a natural, Dr. P.
Hey, what are you looking at?

701
00:45:12,294 --> 00:45:15,297
- Henke, you're up. Come on.
- All right.

702
00:45:16,798 --> 00:45:18,800
Easy, sailor.

703
00:45:42,908 --> 00:45:45,660
All right, Wilder, let's dance.

704
00:45:46,286 --> 00:45:48,371
It's a good day to die, McDoogle.

705
00:45:49,706 --> 00:45:50,999
Oh, yes.

706
00:46:15,523 --> 00:46:17,359
Jesus! Criminy!

707
00:46:17,859 --> 00:46:20,570
What happened to you, Wilder?
Don't think I don't remember.

708
00:46:20,654 --> 00:46:22,864
You got an A
in my freshman economics class.

709
00:46:22,948 --> 00:46:24,532
You remember one thing.

710
00:46:24,616 --> 00:46:27,702
Apathy is the glove
into which evil slips its hand.

711
00:46:27,786 --> 00:46:29,704
I'll write that down.

712
00:46:29,788 --> 00:46:32,374
You do that. You're not fooling anybody!

713
00:46:32,749 --> 00:46:34,834
You're only fooling yourself!

714
00:46:44,010 --> 00:46:46,846
- Why don't you walk?
- I think I'll walk from here.

715
00:46:49,975 --> 00:46:52,727
Are you stalking me?
Because that would be super.

716
00:46:52,811 --> 00:46:56,481
My mom did want me to invite you
to her Tupperware party next week.

717
00:46:56,815 --> 00:46:58,316
Was that a...

718
00:46:58,733 --> 00:47:00,235
Judges' ruling.

719
00:47:00,568 --> 00:47:03,655
Uh-huh. Yeah. I do believe that was a joke.

720
00:47:09,244 --> 00:47:12,330
I want to apologize
for what Richard did the other night.

721
00:47:12,414 --> 00:47:15,000
It was a really immature stunt.

722
00:47:15,291 --> 00:47:17,377
Yeah, I know,

723
00:47:17,460 --> 00:47:20,839
but sometimes guys can do
some pretty childish things.

724
00:47:24,718 --> 00:47:26,636
Let us proceed.

725
00:48:01,921 --> 00:48:05,050
- Is he ready?
- Ah, yeah, he's ready.

726
00:48:05,300 --> 00:48:06,760
It's go time.

727
00:48:17,187 --> 00:48:18,813
Such a good boy.

728
00:48:18,897 --> 00:48:22,233
Oh, stop for a second. Stop.

729
00:48:23,651 --> 00:48:25,195
Okay. Keep going.

730
00:48:35,872 --> 00:48:37,582
For the love of God.

731
00:48:37,665 --> 00:48:39,084
Smile, buddy.

732
00:48:45,757 --> 00:48:47,258
Lovely.

733
00:48:47,342 --> 00:48:49,636
It's all about presentation, gentlemen.

734
00:48:58,186 --> 00:49:00,855
Well, I'll be damned!

735
00:49:01,106 --> 00:49:03,358
Poor guy just needed a little TLC.

736
00:49:09,155 --> 00:49:12,033
I got it, guys. No problem whatsoever.

737
00:49:14,953 --> 00:49:17,372
Let the damn baby have his ball back.

738
00:49:20,291 --> 00:49:22,210
Thank you, brothers.

739
00:49:24,337 --> 00:49:26,840
It's not like he can see out of it anyway.

740
00:49:26,923 --> 00:49:28,341
Loser.

741
00:49:34,139 --> 00:49:35,765
Awesome work, sisters.

742
00:49:40,395 --> 00:49:41,855
Special delivery.

743
00:49:43,148 --> 00:49:45,650
- Time out.
- What the fuck, Jeannie?

744
00:49:46,401 --> 00:49:49,946
"From the sisters of Sigma Theta Tau."
Dig in, guys.

745
00:49:56,077 --> 00:49:58,329
Oh, they're still warm.

746
00:50:02,083 --> 00:50:04,377
- So creamy.
- They're awesome.

747
00:50:10,383 --> 00:50:12,802
Oh, they're so creamy.

748
00:50:13,761 --> 00:50:15,889
God, these are excellent.

749
00:50:17,307 --> 00:50:19,642
Guys? Richard?

750
00:50:23,062 --> 00:50:25,315
Think I've had these before.

751
00:50:32,739 --> 00:50:34,073
Oh, my God!

752
00:50:39,204 --> 00:50:42,624
- I love this song.
- I know.

753
00:50:42,707 --> 00:50:45,418
It is the White Barry.

754
00:50:49,464 --> 00:50:51,049
Is that for me?

755
00:50:51,132 --> 00:50:52,926
I long to rub you the right way.

756
00:50:53,009 --> 00:50:56,679
You're such a bad little Badalandabad.

757
00:51:04,354 --> 00:51:05,855
No harm, no foul.

758
00:51:09,734 --> 00:51:13,321
- Are you all right?
- Never better, my jasmine flower.

759
00:51:32,131 --> 00:51:34,092
That feels so good.

760
00:51:39,264 --> 00:51:41,891
Oh, my God.

761
00:51:46,562 --> 00:51:48,022
Take me.

762
00:51:48,106 --> 00:51:49,983
I want you now.

763
00:51:50,066 --> 00:51:51,192
Now.

764
00:51:51,943 --> 00:51:53,528
Shit!

765
00:51:54,737 --> 00:51:56,322
Don't tease me.

766
00:52:07,292 --> 00:52:09,752
This is the culmination of my being.

767
00:52:09,836 --> 00:52:13,381
Baby, I'm about to culminate.
Now, get over here.

768
00:52:14,382 --> 00:52:16,467
Tajy, I'm so hot.

769
00:52:16,551 --> 00:52:19,470
- I feel on fire.
- Oh, yeah, me, too, baby.

770
00:52:19,554 --> 00:52:21,848
- Burning up.
- Oh, yeah, baby, I'm burning up.

771
00:52:21,931 --> 00:52:25,143
You are most amazing to make me feel so...

772
00:52:25,226 --> 00:52:27,312
Damn hot!

773
00:52:32,150 --> 00:52:34,402
I wonder how T-Bad's date's going.

774
00:52:34,861 --> 00:52:38,489
Scented candles,
massage oils, Barry White.

775
00:52:38,906 --> 00:52:41,868
Yeah, we can't be too far from climax, huh?

776
00:53:02,013 --> 00:53:05,350
- Why do I always fail?
- You put too much pressure on yourself.

777
00:53:05,433 --> 00:53:07,894
Don't worry about the money.
I'll figure something out.

778
00:53:07,977 --> 00:53:09,437
More importantly,

779
00:53:10,855 --> 00:53:12,857
when the time is right,

780
00:53:13,941 --> 00:53:15,318
it'll happen.

781
00:53:15,401 --> 00:53:17,320
You'll find the one.

782
00:53:32,293 --> 00:53:33,294
Hi.

783
00:53:33,378 --> 00:53:35,713
I need to see the grade transcripts
for Van Wilder, please.

784
00:53:35,797 --> 00:53:37,715
I don't think so.

785
00:53:37,799 --> 00:53:41,052
Student transcripts are confidential. Sorry.

786
00:54:14,752 --> 00:54:17,255
<i>Swim team really does
need your love, folks.</i>

787
00:54:17,338 --> 00:54:21,759
<i>And if Milty Mingleton can shove himself</i>

788
00:54:21,843 --> 00:54:24,387
<i>into that weenie bikini,</i>

789
00:54:28,391 --> 00:54:31,936
<i>then you don't need to be shy
about making your donations now!</i>

790
00:55:09,557 --> 00:55:12,143
<i>Thank you, Milty!</i>

791
00:55:14,312 --> 00:55:16,981
<i>After we put all the water back in the pool,</i>

792
00:55:17,064 --> 00:55:19,650
<i>we'll be accepting donations in the form</i>

793
00:55:19,734 --> 00:55:22,361
<i>of cash, Visa and full-frontal nudity.</i>

794
00:55:22,445 --> 00:55:23,946
<i>Hutch, take over.</i>

795
00:55:26,157 --> 00:55:29,577
<i>That's right, folks. Save the swim team.</i>

796
00:55:29,785 --> 00:55:30,786
Hi, Gwen.

797
00:55:31,120 --> 00:55:33,706
Bikini-clad judges for a fundraiser?
That's pretty ingenious.

798
00:55:33,789 --> 00:55:36,375
Sex sells, Gwen. Sex sells.

799
00:55:36,459 --> 00:55:39,337
It's not too late for you to enter
the doubles breaststroke if you like.

800
00:55:39,420 --> 00:55:42,048
No, thanks. I forgot my suit.

801
00:55:42,131 --> 00:55:44,550
I just came across a bit
of interesting information.

802
00:55:44,634 --> 00:55:45,801
All right, look.

803
00:55:45,885 --> 00:55:49,388
The vet assured me
that canine semen is perfectly healthy.

804
00:55:49,472 --> 00:55:51,015
In fact, surprisingly rich...

805
00:55:51,098 --> 00:55:54,602
You've been 18 units shy of graduating
for the past 6 semesters.

806
00:55:58,189 --> 00:56:02,026
Whoa. You went klepto on my transcripts.

807
00:56:02,443 --> 00:56:04,070
What's going on with you?

808
00:56:04,153 --> 00:56:06,697
You're actively trying
not to get out of here.

809
00:56:06,781 --> 00:56:11,118
Why are you doing this? Do you ever
stop playing the in-depth reporter?

810
00:56:11,202 --> 00:56:14,247
I just want to know
why you're putting off your life.

811
00:56:14,330 --> 00:56:17,250
Not for the paper. For me.

812
00:56:17,959 --> 00:56:19,752
I have no comment.

813
00:56:21,170 --> 00:56:23,130
For either of you.

814
00:56:57,123 --> 00:57:00,001
External occipital protuberance.

815
00:57:00,918 --> 00:57:03,754
Posterior gluteal line.

816
00:57:06,882 --> 00:57:09,635
Dorsal appendage. Gwen.

817
00:57:09,844 --> 00:57:12,555
- Was the last one right?
- Yeah, that's right.

818
00:57:12,638 --> 00:57:16,142
Wrong. The dorsal appendage
exists only in marine-equipped Mammalia.

819
00:57:16,225 --> 00:57:18,102
I knew you weren't listening.

820
00:57:18,185 --> 00:57:20,563
- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing. I'm fine.

821
00:57:20,646 --> 00:57:23,232
Let's get out of here, go grab a beer.

822
00:57:23,482 --> 00:57:26,902
Are you insane?
You know my midterm and finals ritual.

823
00:57:26,986 --> 00:57:29,530
I study till 11:00.
Nine solid hours of sleep.

824
00:57:29,614 --> 00:57:33,075
Protein shake in the morning.
Okay, very cute.

825
00:57:33,159 --> 00:57:34,994
And also correct.

826
00:57:35,244 --> 00:57:38,039
Which gives us 2 hours
and 53 minutes of study time.

827
00:57:38,122 --> 00:57:41,500
So, honey, please focus. All righty?

828
00:57:45,546 --> 00:57:47,632
I have confirmations
from the African-American Club

829
00:57:47,715 --> 00:57:49,967
the Gay and Lesbian Caucus,
MECCA, HEPA, PETA.

830
00:57:50,051 --> 00:57:52,720
This multi-coalition party
was a masterful plan.

831
00:57:52,803 --> 00:57:55,640
It should triple our income.
I just hope it's enough.

832
00:57:55,723 --> 00:57:57,850
Van, you must listen to me.

833
00:57:57,933 --> 00:58:01,062
We are merely one party away
from accomplishing our goal.

834
00:58:01,437 --> 00:58:02,647
What if she's right, huh?

835
00:58:02,730 --> 00:58:05,608
What if I'm avoiding graduation
because I'm scared?

836
00:58:05,733 --> 00:58:07,318
Listen to yourself, meathead.

837
00:58:07,401 --> 00:58:10,196
You've never doubted yourself
in your whole life.

838
00:58:10,279 --> 00:58:13,074
This girl's got you thinking, man.
It's not good.

839
00:58:13,658 --> 00:58:16,077
- Not good at all.
- Hey, you.

840
00:58:16,744 --> 00:58:19,372
Please move banner a skosh higher, huh?

841
00:58:19,455 --> 00:58:20,498
Hey.

842
00:58:20,915 --> 00:58:23,501
You got all this. I'm gonna go...

843
00:58:23,584 --> 00:58:26,420
I'm gonna go make some calls
for the party, okay?

844
00:58:29,674 --> 00:58:31,759
- Hi, Van.
- Hi, Donna.

845
00:58:31,842 --> 00:58:34,095
- Hey, Van.
- Hey, guys.

846
00:58:36,972 --> 00:58:40,017
- What are you doing in here?
- I had to talk to you.

847
00:58:40,434 --> 00:58:43,187
I thought a lot about what you said, and...

848
00:58:44,063 --> 00:58:46,107
Well, just...

849
00:58:46,607 --> 00:58:48,567
Just take a look at this.

850
00:58:48,651 --> 00:58:50,653
Yeah. Doodles.

851
00:58:51,362 --> 00:58:54,198
I attended class today.
Just about stayed the whole time, too.

852
00:58:54,281 --> 00:58:56,117
I'm glad you went to all your classes today.

853
00:58:56,200 --> 00:58:58,119
And a few that weren't mine.
Stepped into the wrong one.

854
00:58:58,202 --> 00:59:00,329
Liked what I heard, stayed.

855
00:59:00,955 --> 00:59:03,082
That's great. It really is.

856
00:59:03,708 --> 00:59:06,669
It really is. But don't do it for me.

857
00:59:08,129 --> 00:59:09,422
Do it for you.

858
00:59:09,922 --> 00:59:12,800
Maybe I'm doing it for both of us.

859
00:59:13,801 --> 00:59:17,722
I shouldn't even be talking to you like this.

860
00:59:17,805 --> 00:59:20,224
And I shouldn't be
in the women's locker room!

861
00:59:20,307 --> 00:59:23,811
But sometimes
you gotta let your heart lead you

862
00:59:24,145 --> 00:59:27,773
even if you know it's someplace
you know you're not supposed to be.

863
00:59:28,899 --> 00:59:32,445
How often does your heart lead you
into the women's locker room?

864
00:59:33,904 --> 00:59:37,158
- This would be a first.
- Why do I find that hard to believe?

865
00:59:37,241 --> 00:59:39,160
I'm not saying
that I've never been in here before.

866
00:59:39,243 --> 00:59:42,037
I'm saying it's usually a different part
of my anatomy that does the leading.

867
00:59:42,121 --> 00:59:44,165
Oh, my God.

868
00:59:47,668 --> 00:59:51,130
<i>I just couldn't believe it.
Gwen and Van in the women's locker room.</i>

869
00:59:51,213 --> 00:59:55,176
<i>I mean, I just couldn't believe it.
So anyway, let me tell you something.</i>

870
01:00:05,936 --> 01:00:09,565
I'm sorry, fellas. The bakery's closed.

871
01:00:11,776 --> 01:00:14,028
- I'm here to enlist your services.
- Let me guess.

872
01:00:14,111 --> 01:00:17,156
"Come as your favorite drunk-on-jis,
come-gargling frat boy party"?

873
01:00:17,239 --> 01:00:18,866
Then your mom can come.

874
01:00:21,368 --> 01:00:23,120
It's gonna be a bachelor party.

875
01:00:23,204 --> 01:00:25,456
One last night of debauchery with the fellas

876
01:00:25,539 --> 01:00:28,584
before settling down
with my fiancée, Gwen.

877
01:00:29,668 --> 01:00:33,589
Oh, please, you didn't think
she'd be interested in a fuckup like you?

878
01:00:39,386 --> 01:00:41,555
Oh, Van, Van, Van.

879
01:00:46,477 --> 01:00:48,979
That ought to be enough to get you started.

880
01:01:07,498 --> 01:01:08,916
- Hello?
<i>- Gwen?</i>

881
01:01:09,083 --> 01:01:10,918
Casey. I'm just using Gwen's computer.

882
01:01:11,001 --> 01:01:13,003
Is Gwen there? I need to talk to her.

883
01:01:13,087 --> 01:01:17,174
<i>She's at Richard's getting ready for
the engagement dinner tonight. Message?</i>

884
01:01:17,258 --> 01:01:19,552
Nope. That's all right.

885
01:01:26,934 --> 01:01:28,978
Bye. Thanks for coming.

886
01:01:29,061 --> 01:01:31,522
Lindsey and Rob make such a great couple,
don't you think?

887
01:01:31,605 --> 01:01:33,524
Yeah, I'm happy for them.

888
01:01:33,774 --> 01:01:36,527
They're gonna make a great
married couple, too. You know why?

889
01:01:36,610 --> 01:01:38,529
Because they love each other?

890
01:01:38,612 --> 01:01:40,573
Because they're compatible.

891
01:01:42,449 --> 01:01:45,494
Like a heart transplant patient
finding a donor with the same blood type

892
01:01:45,578 --> 01:01:48,038
and just the right chromosomal anomalies.

893
01:01:48,247 --> 01:01:51,125
A perfect match, connected forever.

894
01:01:52,209 --> 01:01:55,254
But that would mean
one of them would have to be dead.

895
01:01:55,796 --> 01:01:58,966
Gwenny, I'm just saying
that they're a match.

896
01:01:59,258 --> 01:02:01,510
Just like you and me.

897
01:02:06,807 --> 01:02:08,350
Lucky girl.

898
01:02:09,602 --> 01:02:11,395
Gwendolyn Elizabeth Pearson,

899
01:02:11,478 --> 01:02:15,065
I'd be honored if you and I
surgically and spiritually

900
01:02:15,441 --> 01:02:17,818
grafted our lives together.

901
01:02:18,152 --> 01:02:20,779
Richard, I don't know what to say.

902
01:02:21,030 --> 01:02:24,992
Just say yes, because I've got
even more amazing news.

903
01:02:25,075 --> 01:02:27,578
Northwestern called this morning.
They wanna interview me.

904
01:02:27,661 --> 01:02:30,372
They're gonna send some recruit alums
to campus for written and oral exams.

905
01:02:30,456 --> 01:02:32,917
And then I am in!

906
01:02:33,000 --> 01:02:35,252
Oh, man, Northwestern.

907
01:02:35,336 --> 01:02:38,422
That's great. I'm so happy for you, Richard.

908
01:02:38,505 --> 01:02:43,594
Be happy for both of us. The Richard
and Gwen life plan is kicking in.

909
01:02:44,511 --> 01:02:46,430
Northwestern. I am the shit.

910
01:02:47,848 --> 01:02:51,936
Your father wants to get us a place
in Forest Grove as an engagement present.

911
01:02:52,019 --> 01:02:54,897
- My parents know about this?
- Yeah, I told everyone.

912
01:02:57,024 --> 01:02:58,943
Where are you going?

913
01:02:59,234 --> 01:03:01,612
I'm not sure, and for some reason,

914
01:03:01,904 --> 01:03:04,490
I feel really good about that.

915
01:03:13,916 --> 01:03:16,126
Hey, Van, can I borrow...

916
01:03:16,210 --> 01:03:18,128
My God, what happened to you?

917
01:03:19,588 --> 01:03:22,341
- I got hit by a big truck.
- Are you okay?

918
01:03:36,230 --> 01:03:39,274
Dope song. What's it called?

919
01:03:39,358 --> 01:03:41,652
<i>Gwen Used Me For Her Story,
Then Married an Ass Wipe</i>

920
01:03:41,735 --> 01:03:44,822
<i>and Ran Over My Heart
With a Big Metaphorical Truck.</i>

921
01:03:46,031 --> 01:03:48,200
Originally performed by Air Supply.

922
01:03:49,201 --> 01:03:51,120
Who's Air Supply?

923
01:03:51,203 --> 01:03:53,288
How old are you, Sally?

924
01:03:54,248 --> 01:03:56,959
I'm old enough to be jealous
of that Gwen girl.

925
01:04:04,466 --> 01:04:06,427
Okay, you can do this.

926
01:04:19,690 --> 01:04:23,110
You must be Gwen, the truck driver.

927
01:04:24,111 --> 01:04:26,739
Gwen. Hey. Excuse me. Gwen!

928
01:04:28,449 --> 01:04:30,492
Hey, hold up a second.
What are you doing here?

929
01:04:30,576 --> 01:04:33,037
What am I doing here?
What were you doing in there?

930
01:04:33,120 --> 01:04:37,124
As smashed as I am,
I'm pretty sure that's my room, wasn't it?

931
01:04:37,833 --> 01:04:40,169
What was that girl, a freshman?

932
01:04:40,252 --> 01:04:42,796
She reads at a sophomore level.

933
01:04:43,213 --> 01:04:44,965
This was a big mistake, Van. I'm leaving.

934
01:04:45,049 --> 01:04:48,677
Why are you here? Did you come to
hire me to do your bachelorette party?

935
01:04:48,761 --> 01:04:52,431
'Cause your party pimp has already
been booked by your fiancé.

936
01:04:52,514 --> 01:04:56,560
- My fiancé? What are you talking about?
- When are you two tying the knot?

937
01:04:56,643 --> 01:04:59,146
Seriously, I'd really
like to hold that date open.

938
01:04:59,229 --> 01:05:02,024
That is none of your business.
And you know what?

939
01:05:02,649 --> 01:05:04,443
You're none of mine.

940
01:05:10,240 --> 01:05:13,952
<i>Sounds to me like your rectal itch
was getting a late-night booty scratch.</i>

941
01:05:14,036 --> 01:05:18,457
First, my bitch turns down my proposal.
Then she runs into that loser's arms.

942
01:05:18,540 --> 01:05:20,417
Now I don't even know where my bitch is.

943
01:05:20,501 --> 01:05:23,587
Wilder's got some big blowout tonight.
Maybe your bitch is gonna be there.

944
01:05:23,670 --> 01:05:26,006
You do not call her that, gonad!

945
01:05:26,548 --> 01:05:28,926
Hey, guys. Just giving you all the 411.

946
01:05:29,009 --> 01:05:31,053
I'm a counselor for the
Further Leaders of America's overnighter.

947
01:05:31,136 --> 01:05:34,223
The bus doesn't leave for a few hours.
Is there anything I can do before I go?

948
01:05:34,306 --> 01:05:36,016
Anything at all?

949
01:05:36,892 --> 01:05:41,271
Okay, listen up. We've got
one quick stop off before we go.

950
01:05:41,772 --> 01:05:43,065
Tit wad!

951
01:05:45,442 --> 01:05:47,945
All right, thank you, man. Enjoy yourself.

952
01:05:48,028 --> 01:05:50,114
All right, sister. Enjoy yourself.
Power to the people.

953
01:05:50,197 --> 01:05:52,324
- How you doing, my man?
- What's up?

954
01:05:54,034 --> 01:05:57,746
I hate to break this to you, Ming,
but you ain't Asian.

955
01:05:58,247 --> 01:06:00,707
Man, you ever heard of Tiger Woods, bitch?

956
01:06:00,791 --> 01:06:03,669
You better get out of here before
I hit you upside the head with a three iron.

957
01:06:03,752 --> 01:06:06,547
What's wrong with you? Enjoy yourself.

958
01:06:06,713 --> 01:06:09,967
- What's wrong, dawg?
- Nothing. I don't feel like partying.

959
01:06:10,884 --> 01:06:12,302
That's a first.

960
01:06:12,386 --> 01:06:15,556
Hey, Van. I just wanted to come by
and extend an olive branch.

961
01:06:15,639 --> 01:06:19,434
- ID, please.
- It's a terrible picture of me, but...

962
01:06:19,518 --> 01:06:22,187
Well, I'll be the judge of...

963
01:06:22,271 --> 01:06:24,523
There's nothing fake about this ID.

964
01:06:24,606 --> 01:06:26,984
Did you sit behind me two semesters ago?

965
01:06:27,067 --> 01:06:29,653
I think I remember this behind.
I mean, you sitting behind me.

966
01:06:29,736 --> 01:06:32,781
This whole rivalry thing
has become a tad childish.

967
01:06:32,865 --> 01:06:37,327
Well, I hope we can put it all behind us
and be friends.

968
01:06:37,411 --> 01:06:38,829
That's what Gwen wants.

969
01:06:38,912 --> 01:06:41,748
You have absolutely
no idea what Gwen wants.

970
01:06:43,584 --> 01:06:45,836
Say hi to your gerbil for me.

971
01:06:52,926 --> 01:06:54,303
Okay, kids.

972
01:06:54,595 --> 01:06:56,305
This is our Uncle Jäger.

973
01:06:56,388 --> 01:06:59,224
That's right. Drink up.

974
01:06:59,766 --> 01:07:02,728
This tastes like shit.
Do you have any scotch?

975
01:07:04,438 --> 01:07:06,356
Gotta go. Sorry. Bye.

976
01:07:06,440 --> 01:07:08,400
Bye-bye. Call me.

977
01:07:09,109 --> 01:07:10,360
Gentlemen.

978
01:07:10,444 --> 01:07:11,820
Trooper.

979
01:07:11,904 --> 01:07:16,200
We got an anonymous tip that there's
some underage drinking going on here.

980
01:07:16,283 --> 01:07:17,492
Hutch?

981
01:07:17,576 --> 01:07:20,204
Hell, no, man.
I've been at the door all night.

982
01:07:24,291 --> 01:07:26,501
Good enough for me. Have fun, guys.

983
01:07:26,585 --> 01:07:29,129
All right, Trapper. Stay cool.

984
01:07:31,423 --> 01:07:33,926
- I love you, man.
- No, man.

985
01:07:34,009 --> 01:07:35,802
I love you.

986
01:07:37,930 --> 01:07:41,266
Those circus midgets
cannot hold their booze!

987
01:07:46,188 --> 01:07:49,107
Don't worry, Van. We'll get you out, man.

988
01:08:00,994 --> 01:08:04,331
Delta Iota Kappa rules!

989
01:08:08,168 --> 01:08:11,588
Damn it, Gwen, pick it up.
I know you're there.

990
01:08:11,672 --> 01:08:14,549
You know I have my Northwestern
interview next week.

991
01:08:14,925 --> 01:08:17,803
Look, I need you to help me

992
01:08:17,886 --> 01:08:20,889
"release" some pressure.

993
01:08:21,181 --> 01:08:24,017
<i>You know, help me "relax."</i>

994
01:08:25,394 --> 01:08:27,437
Just so we're clear,
I'm talking about intercourse.

995
01:08:27,521 --> 01:08:29,106
<i>I know you had a fling with Wilder.</i>

996
01:08:29,189 --> 01:08:34,069
And it's okay. You just had
to get it out of your system.

997
01:08:34,152 --> 01:08:36,071
<i>I just hope you used some protection.</i>

998
01:08:36,154 --> 01:08:38,782
<i>And I wouldn't want
our future children to be tainted</i>

999
01:08:38,865 --> 01:08:41,868
because Mommy went slumming
one night back in college.

1000
01:08:43,078 --> 01:08:46,081
Why don't you go "release"
your own pressure?

1001
01:08:46,415 --> 01:08:50,377
And just so we're clear,
I'm telling you to go fuck yourself!

1002
01:08:55,132 --> 01:08:58,593
Hi, partner in crime.
Is there anything I can do for you today?

1003
01:08:59,052 --> 01:09:00,137
Oh, my God!

1004
01:09:00,220 --> 01:09:02,264
We make such the fab team!

1005
01:09:02,347 --> 01:09:06,393
Last night, I was so like Bonnie and
you were so like Clyde. And now this.

1006
01:09:06,476 --> 01:09:10,105
Would you shut up?
I'm trying to pleasure you.

1007
01:09:10,188 --> 01:09:12,399
Sorry, Richard. Pleasure away.

1008
01:09:14,067 --> 01:09:17,321
- PS, this is an awesome room.
- PS, shut the fuck up!

1009
01:09:22,075 --> 01:09:25,162
Here, I'm done with all of this.

1010
01:09:25,245 --> 01:09:28,165
- The Wilder story's not done.
- Read it before you criticize.

1011
01:09:28,248 --> 01:09:31,084
He got expelled today.
Is that in your story?

1012
01:09:31,168 --> 01:09:33,086
'Cause it should be.

1013
01:09:43,597 --> 01:09:46,600
- Is Van here?
- He don't wanna see you.

1014
01:09:46,975 --> 01:09:48,352
- Excuse me?
- Look.

1015
01:09:48,435 --> 01:09:51,563
- Why don't you just leave him alone?
- Home wrecker.

1016
01:10:32,521 --> 01:10:34,564
Oh, thank you. Thank you.

1017
01:10:36,400 --> 01:10:38,652
Out of my way!

1018
01:10:45,200 --> 01:10:48,995
Stop packing! You can appeal
the expulsion. It's in the school charter.

1019
01:10:49,079 --> 01:10:52,749
"Any student may appeal an expulsion
before the university judicial board

1020
01:10:52,833 --> 01:10:56,294
"and state his or her case
within 48 hours of being discharged."

1021
01:10:56,962 --> 01:10:58,839
Do you want my hot tub,
or should I just give it to Milty?

1022
01:10:58,922 --> 01:11:00,382
We can get the law club to help.

1023
01:11:00,465 --> 01:11:03,051
They owe you after the "Sue Me, Screw Me"
soiree you threw.

1024
01:11:03,135 --> 01:11:06,596
Thank you. I appreciate it.
I'm really not interested.

1025
01:11:06,680 --> 01:11:10,100
- You're not hearing me...
- It's over, Taj!

1026
01:11:13,353 --> 01:11:15,647
Fuck you, Van Wilder!

1027
01:11:17,524 --> 01:11:19,609
You heard me. I say... I say...

1028
01:11:19,693 --> 01:11:21,736
Fuck you, you, you, you...

1029
01:11:22,362 --> 01:11:23,905
You, you...

1030
01:11:23,989 --> 01:11:25,740
You pussy ass motherfucker!

1031
01:11:25,824 --> 01:11:28,118
You... You dicksucker!

1032
01:11:28,201 --> 01:11:30,120
Don't sugar coat it, Taj.

1033
01:11:30,203 --> 01:11:32,956
Tell me how you really feel. Seven years.

1034
01:11:34,875 --> 01:11:37,335
Seven years! I've accomplished nothing!

1035
01:11:37,419 --> 01:11:39,337
There's no reason to stay here anymore!

1036
01:11:39,421 --> 01:11:41,423
Sure, sure. You've made tons of friends

1037
01:11:41,506 --> 01:11:45,093
who in the drop of a rupee do anything
for you, and that doesn't mean much?

1038
01:11:45,177 --> 01:11:48,138
Who cares about Sick Boy
and the charities you've helped

1039
01:11:48,221 --> 01:11:51,141
and all of our athletics,
those are all so minuscule?

1040
01:11:51,224 --> 01:11:52,893
And "I guess so" is a promise

1041
01:11:52,976 --> 01:11:56,396
made to a wet-behind-the-ears kid
from India whose only dream

1042
01:11:56,480 --> 01:11:59,566
was to bury his face
in a beautiful woman's lotus patch.

1043
01:12:01,026 --> 01:12:04,488
You have shown me a life
I could only dream about back home

1044
01:12:04,571 --> 01:12:07,407
while masturbating
in my father's woodshed.

1045
01:12:07,491 --> 01:12:10,327
Most importantly, you saw potential

1046
01:12:13,079 --> 01:12:14,623
in me.

1047
01:12:15,582 --> 01:12:19,336
If you do not see potential in yourself,
then you are a blind man.

1048
01:12:21,296 --> 01:12:22,672
I'm leaving.

1049
01:12:22,756 --> 01:12:25,258
Then leave. But leave the honorable way.

1050
01:12:26,384 --> 01:12:29,721
You've been looking
for that dare-to-be-great situation.

1051
01:12:30,180 --> 01:12:32,599
It is at your doorstep.

1052
01:12:36,269 --> 01:12:37,646
We need to talk.

1053
01:12:50,450 --> 01:12:51,952
Get me the law club.

1054
01:13:05,632 --> 01:13:07,467
It's ridiculous! It's preposterous!

1055
01:13:07,551 --> 01:13:10,053
It's ludicrous! By God, it's impetuous!

1056
01:13:10,136 --> 01:13:13,139
- So does that mean you gonna help us?
- Oh, it's on.

1057
01:13:34,494 --> 01:13:37,247
Let Van stay! Let Van stay!

1058
01:13:37,330 --> 01:13:40,125
Let Van stay! Let Van stay!

1059
01:13:42,043 --> 01:13:45,213
We are now in session. Mr. Wilder.

1060
01:13:45,880 --> 01:13:50,343
You were found in violation of Article 2,
Section B of Coolidge's bylaws,

1061
01:13:50,760 --> 01:13:56,016
soliciting of alcohol to extreme minors
which is grounds for immediate expulsion.

1062
01:13:56,266 --> 01:13:58,435
You have opted to appeal.

1063
01:13:58,518 --> 01:14:00,020
The floor is yours.

1064
01:14:03,189 --> 01:14:04,691
Ladies and gentlemen,

1065
01:14:09,738 --> 01:14:11,364
as you know,

1066
01:14:11,740 --> 01:14:14,367
I've been a student here
for seven years, and I've...

1067
01:14:14,451 --> 01:14:17,787
<i>Let Van stay! Let Van stay!</i>

1068
01:14:23,335 --> 01:14:25,545
Order! Order! Settle down, everyone.

1069
01:14:26,838 --> 01:14:30,300
- Continue, Mr. Wilder.
<i>- I'm okay!</i>

1070
01:14:30,383 --> 01:14:33,637
I've learned a lot here at Coolidge.

1071
01:14:33,720 --> 01:14:36,264
Let the record show that

1072
01:14:36,806 --> 01:14:41,519
when I attended class,
I did receive exemplary marks.

1073
01:14:41,895 --> 01:14:45,815
However, it was only when I met
a special someone

1074
01:14:47,984 --> 01:14:50,403
that I realized what I was doing,

1075
01:14:50,862 --> 01:14:52,280
hiding.

1076
01:14:53,031 --> 01:14:56,284
See, after this is real life,
and I wasn't ready for that.

1077
01:14:56,368 --> 01:14:58,286
I don't know why exactly.

1078
01:14:58,370 --> 01:15:00,664
I do know that I don't wanna
end up like my father,

1079
01:15:00,747 --> 01:15:02,666
whose whole life revolves around work.

1080
01:15:02,749 --> 01:15:05,794
But I see that now. And...

1081
01:15:07,796 --> 01:15:09,089
I'm ready to move on.

1082
01:15:09,172 --> 01:15:11,466
Well, that's that. Good luck, loser.
Who's ready for lunch?

1083
01:15:11,549 --> 01:15:13,927
- Mr. Bagg, you will be quiet.
- What's any of this got to do

1084
01:15:14,010 --> 01:15:17,806
with that he's guilty of an infraction
that deserves expulsion?

1085
01:15:19,015 --> 01:15:20,475
Mr. Wilder.

1086
01:15:25,689 --> 01:15:27,941
I can't argue against the infraction.

1087
01:15:28,066 --> 01:15:31,528
I was responsible for that party,
so what happened was my fault.

1088
01:15:31,611 --> 01:15:33,613
I'm here to lay myself
at the mercy of this court

1089
01:15:33,697 --> 01:15:36,574
and suggest an alternative punishment.

1090
01:15:36,950 --> 01:15:38,326
Make me graduate.

1091
01:15:39,119 --> 01:15:40,787
If you'll kindly take a look
at my transcripts,

1092
01:15:40,870 --> 01:15:44,499
you'll see I'm 18 units from graduating
with a Leisure Studies degree.

1093
01:15:44,582 --> 01:15:47,335
I am pleading to this committee,
reinstate me.

1094
01:15:47,419 --> 01:15:49,921
Let me audit my last six classes,
take the finals

1095
01:15:50,004 --> 01:15:52,674
and leave Coolidge with a degree.

1096
01:15:57,011 --> 01:16:00,181
God, I've bled

1097
01:16:01,766 --> 01:16:04,853
crimson and blue for nearly a decade.

1098
01:16:05,478 --> 01:16:08,773
This school has given me so much.
Let me repay Coolidge

1099
01:16:09,482 --> 01:16:11,443
by parting ways as a graduate.

1100
01:16:22,620 --> 01:16:25,415
What are the courses
Mr. Wilder needs in order to graduate?

1101
01:16:25,498 --> 01:16:28,084
Biology, English Lit, Calculus, Economics,

1102
01:16:28,168 --> 01:16:30,503
- Sociology and Political Science.
- Wow.

1103
01:16:30,587 --> 01:16:34,007
- That's quite a load.
- Well, Van can handle quite a load.

1104
01:16:36,509 --> 01:16:39,387
If we expel him,
there could be some sort of a <i>coup d'état.</i>

1105
01:16:39,471 --> 01:16:42,766
He broke a rule.
He should pay the consequences.

1106
01:16:42,849 --> 01:16:44,434
Well, let's take a vote.

1107
01:16:44,517 --> 01:16:46,853
There's five of us here. Majority rules.

1108
01:16:47,687 --> 01:16:49,189
I vote reinstatement.

1109
01:16:49,272 --> 01:16:51,483
- Mr. Bagg?
- Expulsion.

1110
01:16:51,733 --> 01:16:53,109
Miss Haver?

1111
01:16:53,818 --> 01:16:56,446
Reinstatement over and over.

1112
01:16:56,529 --> 01:16:59,449
Okay. Mrs. Seay?

1113
01:16:59,866 --> 01:17:00,950
Expulsion.

1114
01:17:01,034 --> 01:17:02,160
Professor McDoogle?

1115
01:17:02,243 --> 01:17:05,622
You know, I've waited a long, long time
for this day to come.

1116
01:17:06,289 --> 01:17:07,624
Either way,

1117
01:17:07,707 --> 01:17:10,502
Van Wilder's tenure here
at Coolidge is over.

1118
01:17:15,089 --> 01:17:17,217
Let's see what the kid's made of.

1119
01:17:18,218 --> 01:17:20,136
He's in! He's in!

1120
01:17:31,856 --> 01:17:32,982
- Hey, Jeannie.
- Look.

1121
01:17:33,066 --> 01:17:36,694
I just wanted to explain about
the whole, you know, Richard thing.

1122
01:17:36,945 --> 01:17:39,656
Me and Richard's unspoken bond
blossomed the other night

1123
01:17:39,739 --> 01:17:41,407
in one beautiful, symbiotic act.

1124
01:17:41,491 --> 01:17:44,786
- What sort of act?
- Messing up that Van Wilder party.

1125
01:17:45,703 --> 01:17:47,997
And then we bumped uglies.

1126
01:17:48,081 --> 01:17:50,250
It was the best 10 seconds ever.

1127
01:17:52,418 --> 01:17:53,628
Ever.

1128
01:17:54,045 --> 01:17:56,673
Yes, these interviews
are somewhat of a formality,

1129
01:17:56,756 --> 01:18:01,052
but I think it's crucial we like-minded
people get to know one another.

1130
01:18:05,723 --> 01:18:08,601
- I knew you'd come to your senses.
- Hello, Richard.

1131
01:18:08,685 --> 01:18:12,021
Look. I know we have a lot of surgery
to perform on our relationship.

1132
01:18:12,105 --> 01:18:15,108
But right now I am prepping
for the biggest moment of our lives.

1133
01:18:15,191 --> 01:18:20,113
I have a written exam first, and then
an interview with five Northwestern alums.

1134
01:18:20,780 --> 01:18:21,906
All doctors.

1135
01:18:21,990 --> 01:18:24,367
That's why I came,
to help make you your shake.

1136
01:18:24,450 --> 01:18:27,495
- That'd be terrific, Gwenny.
- I'll see you downstairs.

1137
01:18:28,121 --> 01:18:31,457
But hurry. Interview's in a half hour,
other side of campus.

1138
01:18:33,167 --> 01:18:35,712
Sorry about that.

1139
01:18:43,511 --> 01:18:46,222
Northwestern. I am the shit.

1140
01:18:46,306 --> 01:18:48,099
You certainly will be.

1141
01:18:48,182 --> 01:18:50,351
Gwenny, thank you.

1142
01:18:55,815 --> 01:18:58,651
Good luck, honey. You deserve it.

1143
01:19:05,825 --> 01:19:07,827
I certainly do.

1144
01:20:12,392 --> 01:20:13,726
Cytosine.

1145
01:20:13,810 --> 01:20:15,687
Nothing but net, my man.

1146
01:20:15,770 --> 01:20:19,357
Now remember, before any final,
take a pre-game dump.

1147
01:20:35,581 --> 01:20:38,042
Thanks for coming in.
You did a great job, really.

1148
01:20:38,126 --> 01:20:41,170
Richard! I was just talking about you.

1149
01:20:41,254 --> 01:20:43,840
Hey, surprise. I'm on your oral exam board.

1150
01:20:43,923 --> 01:20:46,551
Look, come in here.
I want you to meet your future alumni.

1151
01:20:46,634 --> 01:20:48,636
- I gotta go...
- No, come on. It's a great time.

1152
01:20:48,720 --> 01:20:50,805
Look, it's Richard.

1153
01:20:51,014 --> 01:20:54,475
Finished his written exam in only
20 minutes. This kid is a dynamo.

1154
01:20:54,559 --> 01:20:56,978
Richard, I want you to meet Dr. Stern.

1155
01:20:57,770 --> 01:20:58,771
Dr. Fine.

1156
01:20:58,855 --> 01:21:02,692
It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Bagg.
I've heard a lot about you.

1157
01:21:03,568 --> 01:21:06,863
- Dr. Brown.
- This is something of a formality.

1158
01:21:06,946 --> 01:21:09,365
We just want to get to know you better.

1159
01:21:09,449 --> 01:21:11,951
And Dr. Smelnick.

1160
01:21:12,952 --> 01:21:15,204
Richard, is there something
you want to say?

1161
01:21:15,288 --> 01:21:18,124
You look like you want
to get something out, son.

1162
01:21:22,962 --> 01:21:24,088
Oh, my God!

1163
01:21:31,554 --> 01:21:33,181
- Vile.
- Oh, it burns!

1164
01:21:37,018 --> 01:21:38,436
I'm bleeding!

1165
01:21:39,187 --> 01:21:41,064
Dear God, that's wretched.

1166
01:22:04,796 --> 01:22:07,507
"Oh, I kept the first for another day!

1167
01:22:07,590 --> 01:22:10,510
"Yet knowing how way leads on to way

1168
01:22:10,593 --> 01:22:13,012
"I doubted if I should ever come back"

1169
01:22:13,096 --> 01:22:16,766
I want you to tell me what
Robert Frost was trying to express here.

1170
01:22:16,849 --> 01:22:19,644
I'm gonna need at least one more booklet.

1171
01:22:21,104 --> 01:22:22,605
- What?
- In other school news,

1172
01:22:22,688 --> 01:22:24,857
we have an update on the "Wilder Watch."

1173
01:22:24,941 --> 01:22:28,152
The rigorous day has been
a success for Van the man.

1174
01:22:28,236 --> 01:22:33,241
<i>Five finals in the can with Professor
McDoogle's advanced econ final to go.</i>

1175
01:22:33,324 --> 01:22:35,451
Van? Van!

1176
01:22:35,535 --> 01:22:38,788
Van! Van, wake up, wake up, wake up.

1177
01:22:38,871 --> 01:22:41,707
- Your final's in exactly seven minutes!
- All right.

1178
01:22:54,804 --> 01:22:56,931
It's the moment of truth, people.

1179
01:23:10,194 --> 01:23:12,071
Ah, Mr. Wilder.

1180
01:23:12,530 --> 01:23:14,866
I'm so glad you could fit us
into your schedule this morning.

1181
01:23:14,949 --> 01:23:17,243
Wouldn't miss it for the world, sir.

1182
01:23:18,828 --> 01:23:20,329
All right.

1183
01:23:20,413 --> 01:23:23,499
Pass these out. Thank you.

1184
01:23:45,271 --> 01:23:47,732
It's getting to be that time of the hour.

1185
01:23:50,359 --> 01:23:54,739
And your time is up, Mr. Wilder.
Pencils down.

1186
01:24:00,119 --> 01:24:01,537
- Thank you.
<i>- For four years,</i>

1187
01:24:01,621 --> 01:24:04,040
<i>I have been grooming myself
for the real world.</i>

1188
01:24:04,123 --> 01:24:08,586
<i>I, like many, define the real world
as stuff that happens after graduation.</i>

1189
01:24:08,669 --> 01:24:13,299
<i>But I was wrong. It took a man by
the name of Van Wilder to teach me that.</i>

1190
01:24:13,382 --> 01:24:16,093
<i>You've all undoubtedly
been to one of Van's parties.</i>

1191
01:24:16,177 --> 01:24:19,430
<i>He's probably touched your life
in some way, whether you know it or not.</i>

1192
01:24:19,513 --> 01:24:22,016
<i>Watch Van do belly flops into a pool,</i>

1193
01:24:22,099 --> 01:24:26,812
<i>but make sure you see he's raised $5,000
to give the swim team a next season.</i>

1194
01:24:26,896 --> 01:24:29,732
<i>As you're all aware,
Van was almost expelled.</i>

1195
01:24:29,815 --> 01:24:32,276
<i>What you probably
don't know is that he was set up</i>

1196
01:24:32,360 --> 01:24:34,278
<i>by a pathetic, egomaniacal frat boy,</i>

1197
01:24:34,362 --> 01:24:37,573
<i>one who this reporter knows firsthand
to have a serious problem</i>

1198
01:24:37,657 --> 01:24:40,493
<i>with premature ejaculation.</i>

1199
01:24:40,576 --> 01:24:42,578
<i>And in reaction to this lynching,</i>

1200
01:24:42,662 --> 01:24:46,624
<i>Van put in more effort in six days
than most have all semester.</i>

1201
01:24:46,707 --> 01:24:51,420
<i>Win or lose, we should thank him
for reminding us what we're all capable of.</i>

1202
01:24:51,504 --> 01:24:53,673
<i>That's simply what he does...</i>

1203
01:24:53,756 --> 01:24:56,634
<i>He inspires the uninspired.</i>

1204
01:25:01,347 --> 01:25:05,101
Van. Hurry.
The night of fun and fornication's upon us.

1205
01:25:05,184 --> 01:25:07,144
Hey, have you heard from Gwen?

1206
01:25:08,187 --> 01:25:10,439
No, she... She hasn't yet called back.

1207
01:25:10,523 --> 01:25:13,359
Right. I'll be down in a minute, okay?

1208
01:25:13,442 --> 01:25:15,695
- Okay.
- See ya, V.

1209
01:25:32,211 --> 01:25:33,212
Wilder.

1210
01:25:34,255 --> 01:25:35,256
McDoogle.

1211
01:25:36,340 --> 01:25:39,552
Jesus. This is some pad you got here.

1212
01:25:40,469 --> 01:25:42,722
Decorated in early fuck.

1213
01:25:47,643 --> 01:25:50,688
Well, I made it a point
to personally come down here, Wilder.

1214
01:25:50,771 --> 01:25:53,691
I wanted to give you the results
of your test firsthand.

1215
01:25:53,774 --> 01:25:55,401
And just as I expected,

1216
01:25:57,069 --> 01:25:58,654
you succeeded.

1217
01:25:58,946 --> 01:26:02,241
- Ninety-one percent.
- What?

1218
01:26:03,409 --> 01:26:04,744
I'm proud of you, Wilder.

1219
01:26:04,827 --> 01:26:07,496
I've been waiting all these years
for you to realize your potential.

1220
01:26:07,580 --> 01:26:09,332
That's why you and I had friction?

1221
01:26:09,415 --> 01:26:13,419
I thought it was 'cause I fooled around
with your daughter freshman year.

1222
01:26:13,753 --> 01:26:17,298
Why? What...
You fooled around with my daughter?

1223
01:26:18,341 --> 01:26:19,592
What?

1224
01:26:36,067 --> 01:26:37,610
Hey, I know you.

1225
01:26:37,693 --> 01:26:40,029
- Thank you very much.
- You're the best, Van.

1226
01:26:40,112 --> 01:26:42,573
Hey, I couldn't have did it without you.
Appreciate it.

1227
01:26:42,656 --> 01:26:46,911
I need you to fill this up with ice.
Pack as much as you can inside.

1228
01:26:46,994 --> 01:26:49,830
- Okay? Excuse me. I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.

1229
01:26:51,332 --> 01:26:52,333
Hi.

1230
01:26:52,583 --> 01:26:55,044
My name is Orissa Punjab Nizamabad.

1231
01:26:55,127 --> 01:26:56,127
Hi.

1232
01:26:56,170 --> 01:26:58,881
I've just transferred here from Banglapur.

1233
01:27:07,890 --> 01:27:09,392
Excuse me.

1234
01:27:09,475 --> 01:27:13,229
Can you tell me where I might find
the raddest fucking dude alive?

1235
01:27:13,312 --> 01:27:15,648
Yeah, by the pool, Gramps.

1236
01:27:16,273 --> 01:27:18,984
Hey, I know you, man. Oh, fuck.

1237
01:27:19,819 --> 01:27:22,530
Congratulations, Van.
I knew you had it in you.

1238
01:27:26,117 --> 01:27:28,244
Dad. I can't believe you're here.

1239
01:27:28,327 --> 01:27:30,246
I can't believe you graduated.

1240
01:27:30,830 --> 01:27:33,833
A friend of yours sent me this.

1241
01:27:35,668 --> 01:27:38,963
I'm proud of you, Van,
graduation or no graduation.

1242
01:27:39,797 --> 01:27:40,923
Thank you.

1243
01:27:41,006 --> 01:27:44,969
And I'm sorry that I spent such a buttload
of your money for so long.

1244
01:27:45,052 --> 01:27:48,431
It's by far the best investment I ever made.

1245
01:27:58,524 --> 01:28:02,194
- You did good.
- Let's get this man leid.

1246
01:28:02,862 --> 01:28:05,322
Meet my new girl.

1247
01:28:20,754 --> 01:28:23,382
You look so...

1248
01:28:24,633 --> 01:28:25,634
Wow.

1249
01:28:25,718 --> 01:28:28,762
- Wow.
- I was hoping you'd say that.

1250
01:28:37,062 --> 01:28:40,733
- May I?
- As long as we cuddle afterwards.

1251
01:28:45,112 --> 01:28:49,909
There's so much that I need to say...
The article...

1252
01:28:57,208 --> 01:28:58,667
I was scared that you wouldn't come.

1253
01:28:58,751 --> 01:29:02,463
Well, I was trying to decide
what panties I should wear.

1254
01:29:03,047 --> 01:29:05,508
Which ones did you choose?

1255
01:29:05,925 --> 01:29:07,092
None.

1256
01:29:55,391 --> 01:29:57,560
It's gonna be a bachelor party.

1257
01:29:57,643 --> 01:30:00,604
One last night of debauchery
with the fellas.

1258
01:30:10,406 --> 01:30:12,616
You can't even...

1259
01:30:12,825 --> 01:30:14,493
I mean, this girl is...

1260
01:30:16,745 --> 01:30:19,248
- I was wondering...
- I'll do it.

1261
01:30:23,877 --> 01:30:26,505
I'm getting my shit together.
Just one second.

1262
01:30:27,798 --> 01:30:29,592
I can't do this!

1263
01:30:39,393 --> 01:30:42,187
Oh, man. My mama never told me
I'd be doing this.

1264
01:30:44,023 --> 01:30:45,983
I want to chew the...

1265
01:30:46,066 --> 01:30:48,402
And then... I don't know how.

1266
01:30:57,536 --> 01:31:02,166
Kids, this is what white jockey
blowin' hookers will do to you.